It was brought to my attention that some of the content of yesterday's journal entry could be construed as offensive by some people (I had no idea that the subject of "Which section of the high school band is the coolest?" was so controversial.). So if I offended any of you kittens with my jokes yesterday, I do sincerely apologize. I meant it all in good fun. I genuinely don't want to hurt anyone. In our crude and hateful world, I intend this journal to be a shining bastion of love, good will and jokes about hardcore anal prison rape.

See - I did it again, didn't I? I think the problem is that I was born without that particular synapse in my brain that gets offended by things. There simply isn't any subject matter that offends me. I'm not bragging or anything - it's more sad than funny. I don't know - maybe it's a seratonin deficiency or something. What passes as horrid hatespeech to the average person is regular dinner conversation to me. In the words of David Cross, "Darn this counter-culture. It's got me all bugaboo."

I guess what I'm saying is I need your help. I want to be a good person, I really do. So I'm going to list a bunch of subjects about which I was considering writing future journal entries. Could you guys tell me if they're offensive or not? Like maybe on a scale of one to ten or something?

- chipmunk fisting

- Ryan Seacrest and what a fucking cunt he is

- nuns who aren't really nuns but they say they're nuns and they're really hookers

- the growing problem of Jehovah's witnesses with gonorhea

- Mike Mirabella's ball sack (it's magical, you know)

- Ryan Seacrest getting hardcore anal prison raped

- The time that Jesus appeared in my French toast and told me to throw out all my Bachman Turner Overdrive albums

- Girls who cover their bed with stuffed animals and why it's a really bad idea to sleep with those girls because they're almost always fucking crazy

- trout fondling

See - I did it again, didn't I?