Good morning, friends -
Well, how about that weather? It sure was weathering out there. Weathered the crap out of us. Hope you all had a shoveltastic weekend and a slip-out-a-vertebrae New Year!
Honestly, I don't understand people who like the snow. It's pretty for exactly 2.3 seconds. Then it gets grimy, brown and gross. Oh, and you have to stand out in the whipping cold wind for about 3 hours just to get your car out. But no - you're right. It's "pretty." If someone around you says how pretty it is today, you have my official permission to punch them in the box.
While I'm at it, here are some other things that people seem to like that I think are craptastic:
- the band Pink Floyd. I just don't get it.
- the Oscars. How many dung-ass movies have to win before people say "Hey, you know what? Maybe the 'experts' in Hollywood have ferret-shit for brains. After all, they think that Charlize Theron's performance in Monster was actually good 'acting,' rather than the scenery-chewing, stunt-casting camel spew that it was. Those people are retards."
- hockey. I'm so glad the NHL is on lockout. I equate playing hockey with being an asshole. In my opinion (and stop me if I'm repeating myself), they should advertise for youth hockey in every town in America. When the little bastards show up for tryouts, they should put them all on buses and send them to juvie for the rest of their adolescences. Let's eliminate the hockey problem before it starts.
- Hal Sparks, Michael Ian Black and the rest of the cast of VH1's I Love the... series. Obnoxious, poorly conceived and not funny at all. Sometimes, when I'm alone in my living room, I have imaginary conversations with these idiots that go a li'l somefin like this:
Hal Sparks: "Ha ha ha - Steve Guttenberg. Ha ha ha!"
Me: "What? Steve Guttenberg was a successful actor in the 80's."
Michael Ian Black: "Ha ha! You like Steve Guttenberg? Ha ha!"
Me: "No, I don't necessarily like him. But I don't think something or someone is worthy of contempt or derision just because he's associated with a certain era in the past. Steve Guttenberg had a long, successful career - especially compared to you talentless fucks."
Hal: "Uh..."
Me: "Seriously - what have you done? You hosted Talk Soup - you were a poor man's John Henson. And what about you, Michael? How's that supporting role on Ed going? What? It's cancelled? What a surprise."
Michael: "Hey, that was a good show. It was a dramedy."
Me: "You fucks! You smarmy, useless, talent-free fucks!"
Hal: "Hey, at least people know who we are. Who the hell are you?"
Me: "My name is Brendan. I'm in Scamper."
Michael: "Scamper? What the hell is a Scamper?"
Me: "Uh... hey, remember that band Winger? Ha ha!"
Michael and Hal: "Ha ha! Winger! Ha ha!"
Well, how about that weather? It sure was weathering out there. Weathered the crap out of us. Hope you all had a shoveltastic weekend and a slip-out-a-vertebrae New Year!
Honestly, I don't understand people who like the snow. It's pretty for exactly 2.3 seconds. Then it gets grimy, brown and gross. Oh, and you have to stand out in the whipping cold wind for about 3 hours just to get your car out. But no - you're right. It's "pretty." If someone around you says how pretty it is today, you have my official permission to punch them in the box.
While I'm at it, here are some other things that people seem to like that I think are craptastic:
- the band Pink Floyd. I just don't get it.
- the Oscars. How many dung-ass movies have to win before people say "Hey, you know what? Maybe the 'experts' in Hollywood have ferret-shit for brains. After all, they think that Charlize Theron's performance in Monster was actually good 'acting,' rather than the scenery-chewing, stunt-casting camel spew that it was. Those people are retards."
- hockey. I'm so glad the NHL is on lockout. I equate playing hockey with being an asshole. In my opinion (and stop me if I'm repeating myself), they should advertise for youth hockey in every town in America. When the little bastards show up for tryouts, they should put them all on buses and send them to juvie for the rest of their adolescences. Let's eliminate the hockey problem before it starts.
- Hal Sparks, Michael Ian Black and the rest of the cast of VH1's I Love the... series. Obnoxious, poorly conceived and not funny at all. Sometimes, when I'm alone in my living room, I have imaginary conversations with these idiots that go a li'l somefin like this:
Hal Sparks: "Ha ha ha - Steve Guttenberg. Ha ha ha!"
Me: "What? Steve Guttenberg was a successful actor in the 80's."
Michael Ian Black: "Ha ha! You like Steve Guttenberg? Ha ha!"
Me: "No, I don't necessarily like him. But I don't think something or someone is worthy of contempt or derision just because he's associated with a certain era in the past. Steve Guttenberg had a long, successful career - especially compared to you talentless fucks."
Hal: "Uh..."
Me: "Seriously - what have you done? You hosted Talk Soup - you were a poor man's John Henson. And what about you, Michael? How's that supporting role on Ed going? What? It's cancelled? What a surprise."
Michael: "Hey, that was a good show. It was a dramedy."
Me: "You fucks! You smarmy, useless, talent-free fucks!"
Hal: "Hey, at least people know who we are. Who the hell are you?"
Me: "My name is Brendan. I'm in Scamper."
Michael: "Scamper? What the hell is a Scamper?"
Me: "Uh... hey, remember that band Winger? Ha ha!"
Michael and Hal: "Ha ha! Winger! Ha ha!"
4 Comments:
ok..here we go..
-we didn't get as much snow as you guys did up here..but it IS pretty..it's the city that makes it unpretty..too much hustle and bustle..
-i don't get pink floyd either
-i have boycotted the oscars/grammys and other such award shows for some time..every now and then i'll catch an award being given out..and just shake my head
-i am not much of a hockey fan either..well..not really at all..hat tricks should be left for david copperfield only..
-i enjoy the I Love The... series..and FYI..hal sparks was in "dude where's my car?" as Zoltan & the popular showtime series "queer as folk"(i can vouch that it was popular by the amount of dvds were rented when i worked as a video store)..and i just saw michael ian black in his "stella comedy tour" with michael showalter and david wain..
oh..and it was "guttenbergian" that i believe you were looking for...ok..i'm done..
Hal Sparks and Michael Ian Black are far from the worst offenders. Luis Guzmán is the worst. And Donal Logue, what with his "I YELL EVERYTHING" routine, makes me want to shoot people.
I do love how Mr. Sparks has to constantly reassure us that he's really really REALLY straight by, like, making out with Rainbow Brite dolls.
And I know Alena wants strangle Mo Rocca.
Dave Gilmour is the allure of Pink Floyd. Few can coax a Strat to sound that pure yet liquid.
On the other side of the coin, I don't get Wilco, but to each their own. They're The Greatest Thing Since Napkins, evidently.
Michael Ian Black was terrific in The State. His greatness ends there. Never seen Queer As All Get-Out or whatever its called, so I can't vouch for Hal Sparks. He has funny moments. But few.
I liked The State. And I really liked Wet Hot American Summer. But still, Michael - that ironic smarmy thing is so 90's.
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