You know I usually try to keep it positive, my little water buffalos. But I'm cranky as all get-out this morning. First off, for some unknown reason, I've got that godawful John Mayer "no such thing as the real world" song stuck in my head. Have you ever heard this tepid pile of wolverine dung? Apparently, he wants to run through the halls of his high school and scream at the top of his lungs that there's no such thing as the real world. Wow - that's deep, kid. What an original, completely grown-up conceit for a song. Certainly such profound thinking could never be found in your average fat 14-year old goth chick's Hello Kitty diary. I'm so glad you have a record deal, you fake-Dave-Matthews-voice-having blissfully talent-free retard. If it weren't for that guest appearance on Chapelle's Show, we'd be hunting you for sport by now.

More importantly, I had the following conversation with my tax returns this morning:

Me: Okay, so carry the two and... wait, I owe you money?
1040: That's right you do. Pay up.
Me: How could I possibly owe you money?
1040: You can see it right there. Carry the two...
Me: Yeah, I know how the math works. But how could I owe you money? You jack like 15% of my salary every week. That's not enough for you?
1040: Nope. We've got to pay for stuff.
Me: What kind of stuff?
1040: War. And the children. Don't forget about the children. And... let's see... education and Jesus and God and the Bible. You know, good stuff like that.
Me: Why don't you just take what you need out of my salary every week and leave me alone?
1040: Because we don't want to. Pay up.
Me: Oh well - at least rich people pay a lot more than I do, right?
1040: Actually, funny you should ask that. We actually give their corporations billions of your tax dollars every year.
Me: Wait - you do what?
1040: Yeah, they have all these loopholes and incentives. It turns out that people who don't make much money pay the most. Isn't that funny?
Me: No, it's not funny at all. It's enraging, in fact.
1040: I meant funny to us.
Me: I'm so angry.
1040: Yup.
Me: But there's nothing I can do about it, is there?
1040: Not unless you're a billion dollar corporation. Are you a billion dollar corporation?
Me: No.
1040: I guess you just have to bend over and take it then.
Me: That sucks. But you know what sucks even more? That John Mayer song.
1040: That one about high school? Yeah, I hate that one.
Me: Tell me at least he pays a lot of taxes.
1040: Will it make you feel better?
Me: Yeah, a little.
1040: Sorry - he's a corporation. Now pay up, jerk.
Me: I hate you.
1040: Yeah, I get that a lot. (singing) "I want to run through the halls of my high school..."