Without further ado, the recap of Greeber's bachelor party this weekend:
- I volunteered to drive myself, JDog and Jordan down to New York City. This road trip is always fun... until you actually get into the stress-filled labyrinth of taxis and anger known as Manhattan itself. I don't know if you've driven in New York lately, but if you're anything like me, it's guaranteed to fill you with a seering, white-hot rage. I mean, O.J.-level rage. But seriously - the only reason I ran down that obnoxious 10-year old in the Yankee cap with my car was that I really, really loved him. (recycled from Brendo's Best Jokes Collection, copyright 1992)
- When we arrived at the parking garage, Jordan and Joe peed for a combined 20 minutes. The stuff just kept coming. It was really extraordinary. It's like they were camels or something.
- We convened with the other members of the bachelor party at the Port Authority bowling alley for some beers, games and good times. Pete watched with obvious, almost sexual envy as an Asian teenager absolutely destroyed Dance Dance Revolution. You've got a long way to go if you want to compete in the big city, 12-Gauge.
- Oh, and Nate and Mike made a surprise appearance in the Rotten Apple. Apparently, they didn't have plans for the night, so they just got into Mike's new car/toaster and drove. They ended up at a bowling alley in the Port Authority building in New York City. Of course they did. Why wouldn't they? Makes perfect sense.
- After bowling, we went to dinner. Across the restaurant, a group of young ladies were having a rowdy celebration of their own - a bachelorette party. Now we were talking. After a few drinks, the bachelorette herself came over and asked what our deal was. When we told her, she replied "We figured you guys were either a bachelor party or a Dungeons and Dragons convention." Ouch. You know - when a group of girls get together, they're just mean.
- Many drinks later, it was time for some serious debauchery. I mean, this was a bachelor party, right? Bring on the skanks, right? Wrong, actually. You see - Greeber is only heterosexual in the absolute most basic definition of the word. Most of the accoutrements of being a straight guy completely escape him. So instead of shoving dollars across the silky, cocoa butter-covered skin of a smiling-on-the-outside-bitter-inside "law student" in a spangled g-string, our party ends up at a piano bar singing Elton John songs. Read that last sentence again. It actually turned out to be really fun, but Jesus Christ. I could almost feel a clitoris growing out of my body just being there.
- Luckily, my heroic New York buddy Nick came to my rescue. While the others were belting their way through the nineteenth chorus of "Tiny Dancer," Nick and I snuck out of the piano bar to visit a local strip club. Sadly, the bouncer didn't like the way I was dressed and wouldn't grant me admittance. Apparently, a black hooded sweatshirt and work boots would offend the delicate sensibilities of the young ladies rubbing their bare asses in guys' faces for a dollar. It's like the Russian Tea Room in there, apparently. Fucking Manahattan.
- At the end of the night, I got my sweet revenge on the cruel world by keeping the six of my closest friends that were crammed into a hotel room with me awake all night with my buzzsaw-like snoring. Any of the other snorers out there? Have you ever woken up after sharing a room with a group of people to discover they're all mad at you? But they can't really say anything, because they know it's not your fault. They're just sort of quietly angry at you. It's awesome.
That's about it. It was actually a great time and I did manage to spank and dry hump Gordon a few times, which is all you can really ask for in a bachelor party. Oh, and I officially hate New York City. There are Yankee fans everywhere.
- I volunteered to drive myself, JDog and Jordan down to New York City. This road trip is always fun... until you actually get into the stress-filled labyrinth of taxis and anger known as Manhattan itself. I don't know if you've driven in New York lately, but if you're anything like me, it's guaranteed to fill you with a seering, white-hot rage. I mean, O.J.-level rage. But seriously - the only reason I ran down that obnoxious 10-year old in the Yankee cap with my car was that I really, really loved him. (recycled from Brendo's Best Jokes Collection, copyright 1992)
- When we arrived at the parking garage, Jordan and Joe peed for a combined 20 minutes. The stuff just kept coming. It was really extraordinary. It's like they were camels or something.
- We convened with the other members of the bachelor party at the Port Authority bowling alley for some beers, games and good times. Pete watched with obvious, almost sexual envy as an Asian teenager absolutely destroyed Dance Dance Revolution. You've got a long way to go if you want to compete in the big city, 12-Gauge.
- Oh, and Nate and Mike made a surprise appearance in the Rotten Apple. Apparently, they didn't have plans for the night, so they just got into Mike's new car/toaster and drove. They ended up at a bowling alley in the Port Authority building in New York City. Of course they did. Why wouldn't they? Makes perfect sense.
- After bowling, we went to dinner. Across the restaurant, a group of young ladies were having a rowdy celebration of their own - a bachelorette party. Now we were talking. After a few drinks, the bachelorette herself came over and asked what our deal was. When we told her, she replied "We figured you guys were either a bachelor party or a Dungeons and Dragons convention." Ouch. You know - when a group of girls get together, they're just mean.
- Many drinks later, it was time for some serious debauchery. I mean, this was a bachelor party, right? Bring on the skanks, right? Wrong, actually. You see - Greeber is only heterosexual in the absolute most basic definition of the word. Most of the accoutrements of being a straight guy completely escape him. So instead of shoving dollars across the silky, cocoa butter-covered skin of a smiling-on-the-outside-bitter-inside "law student" in a spangled g-string, our party ends up at a piano bar singing Elton John songs. Read that last sentence again. It actually turned out to be really fun, but Jesus Christ. I could almost feel a clitoris growing out of my body just being there.
- Luckily, my heroic New York buddy Nick came to my rescue. While the others were belting their way through the nineteenth chorus of "Tiny Dancer," Nick and I snuck out of the piano bar to visit a local strip club. Sadly, the bouncer didn't like the way I was dressed and wouldn't grant me admittance. Apparently, a black hooded sweatshirt and work boots would offend the delicate sensibilities of the young ladies rubbing their bare asses in guys' faces for a dollar. It's like the Russian Tea Room in there, apparently. Fucking Manahattan.
- At the end of the night, I got my sweet revenge on the cruel world by keeping the six of my closest friends that were crammed into a hotel room with me awake all night with my buzzsaw-like snoring. Any of the other snorers out there? Have you ever woken up after sharing a room with a group of people to discover they're all mad at you? But they can't really say anything, because they know it's not your fault. They're just sort of quietly angry at you. It's awesome.
That's about it. It was actually a great time and I did manage to spank and dry hump Gordon a few times, which is all you can really ask for in a bachelor party. Oh, and I officially hate New York City. There are Yankee fans everywhere.
3 Comments:
-I have hated NYC for a long time..and still wouldn't go back there anytime soon..unless absolutely necessary
-Our "Dirty Dancing" medley was better AND worse than elton john i'm sure..
-Compare and contrast the peeing length of Joe and Jordan to that of Tom Hanks in "A League of Their Own"
-Don't lie..it was a D & D themed bachelor party..and you know it
-I would've allowed your attire(if 2gether were playing on stage)
-After hearing about your snoring..Peter Jackson is looking like more of an option..
Where can we get a copy of "Brendo's Best Jokes Collection"? It's not on Amazon.
And how about a DVD of "Wildside"?
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1509896/
I actually forgot something funny:
When we were at a McDonald's rest stop bathroom somewhere in Connecticut, Joe stood next to me as I was trying to pee, put his shoulder into mine and looked directly at me. He was practically on top of me, saying "What? Go to the bathroom. What? Can't you go to the bathroom? Go! Go!"
Of course, I responded to this by laughing hysterically. Every other guy in the bathroom was NOT amused. We got the "I would beat you faggots up, but I really want a McChicken sandwich" look quite a few times.
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