When Bill Belichick masterminded his third Super Bowl in four years, I thought to myself: That's it. He gets a free pass. Anything he wants to do for the rest of his life is okay by me. Basically, he can bang my mom, record an album of Motown standards, develop a CBS sitcom based on the holocaust starring Margaret Cho and Kathy Griffin - it doesn't matter. He's above criticism from here on in. He gets a free pass.
This got me thinking - who else gets a free pass for life? I talked to a few friends about it, and here's my preliminary list:
- Peter Jackson. If Peter Jackson came up to me on the street and said, "'Allo, Brendan. I'd like to sleep with your wife," I'd hand her right the fuck over. "Sorry, honey - he made the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Go with the man. Yeah, I love you and everything but... did you see that scene where Aragorn rode out of the castle at Helm's Deep? Just go. I'll see you in an hour."
- Paul McCartney. He's been getting some criticism because of the "lame" halftime show, but the man created the Beatles. The fucking Beatles. He can be as much of a cheeseball as he wants in his old age. That bass line of "Lovely Rita" alone earns him a free pass.
- Slash. This is a real borderline call, as it's based on just one achievement: the Appetite for Destruction album. He is such a fucking monster on that record that I just can't see criticizing him for anything else he's ever done. So I'll just avert my eyes during the Velvet Revolver power ballads. That "I Fall To Pieces" song just isn't happening. It's not happening.
- Roman Polanski. This is actually not mine - my friend Andy said: "Rosemary's Baby, Death and the Maiden, Chinatown and Macbeth + wife murdered by Charles Manson = free pass." Polanski, by the way, is one of the few people that's actually taking advantage of his free pass. Which leads us to...
- Michael Jackson. I know, I know - he's a sick sick man. But come on - Thriller? I mean, who doesn't love Thriller? Molest all the kids you want, Jacko.
Did I miss anyone?
This got me thinking - who else gets a free pass for life? I talked to a few friends about it, and here's my preliminary list:
- Peter Jackson. If Peter Jackson came up to me on the street and said, "'Allo, Brendan. I'd like to sleep with your wife," I'd hand her right the fuck over. "Sorry, honey - he made the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Go with the man. Yeah, I love you and everything but... did you see that scene where Aragorn rode out of the castle at Helm's Deep? Just go. I'll see you in an hour."
- Paul McCartney. He's been getting some criticism because of the "lame" halftime show, but the man created the Beatles. The fucking Beatles. He can be as much of a cheeseball as he wants in his old age. That bass line of "Lovely Rita" alone earns him a free pass.
- Slash. This is a real borderline call, as it's based on just one achievement: the Appetite for Destruction album. He is such a fucking monster on that record that I just can't see criticizing him for anything else he's ever done. So I'll just avert my eyes during the Velvet Revolver power ballads. That "I Fall To Pieces" song just isn't happening. It's not happening.
- Roman Polanski. This is actually not mine - my friend Andy said: "Rosemary's Baby, Death and the Maiden, Chinatown and Macbeth + wife murdered by Charles Manson = free pass." Polanski, by the way, is one of the few people that's actually taking advantage of his free pass. Which leads us to...
- Michael Jackson. I know, I know - he's a sick sick man. But come on - Thriller? I mean, who doesn't love Thriller? Molest all the kids you want, Jacko.
Did I miss anyone?
11 Comments:
My baby boy Jason. I look at his wonderful little face and think: "This kid can do no wrong. Ever." Yeah, it looks like I'm gonna be one of those mothers...
i would like to add the following for consideration to the 'free pass lifestyle':
mary-kate and ashley olsen:
they have been through enough crap and have been playing this game long enough that i think they're all set
drew barrymore:
same thing..she's awesome..and could really hardly do no wrong..even that bullshit of "we are one with the earth and the ground and that's why i have a flower in my hair and no shoes"
johnny depp:
i feel that there is no need for me to try to explain
and once again...i'll give you bill belichick..but god help the poor woman who marries you and has to be thrown at peter jackson..
Name one significant achievement of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson, besides being cute. They've accomplished NOTHING. They get the anti-pass, with which they must prove that they're worthy of attention at all times.
"The only reason everyone's talking about Mary-Kate being skinny is because Ashley is so fucking fat." - Pete Galea
mk and ash made "you got it dude" ok to say...remember their little ass wiggle..?? have you SEEN winning london?! obviously not..they have brought love and joy and excitement to tweens all over the world..they are brilliant..i've loved them for years..so really..i can go on if you like..until you revoke their anti-pass..
and i second alena's vote for jason..haha
Local passes awarded to, of course, the '04 Sox roster. Possible revokation upon signing with the Yanks.
Yes, I was thinking about putting Dave Roberts on the list for "The Steal." But if he turns out to be to a penguin rapist or something, I reserve the right to take it back.
Oh, and Pete Galea rapes turtles. You'll never get a free pass from me, mister.
I think penguin impropriety is less egregious than the young human kind, so if Dave Roberts loses his pass so should Michael Jackson.
and when those passes get revoked..you can give them to mary-kate and ashley...
Penguins - walking around in those little tuxedos, looking all hot... I mean, they're just asking to be raped. Have you seen Tennessee Tuxedo? Who wouldn't hit that shit?
Scamper, of course, has a long history with penguins. Some good, some bad.
All sexy.
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