After much delay and ballyhoo, it's time for the long-awaited debut of Brendo's Piss-Poor Advice Column. All of these are actual letters from actual people (no bullshit). Keep in mind - none of this advice should actually be followed by anyone at any time, for fear of broken relationships, wrongful arrest and/or chlamydia:
Brendan,
I know this girl at work likes me, but she's totally annoying and gross. She's always sick and wears the same clothes for days at a time. I think she sleeps in the parking garage. Should I go for it?
- In Demand
Cambridge, MA
Well, that depends, ID - how hard up are you? I'm guessing by the fact that you're even considering it, it's been a rough winter. But hey - there are times during the average day in which your average male considers putting his wee willy winky in a jalopie exhaust pipe as long as it's vibrating a little. You shouldn't be ashamed of this - it's how Jebus made you.
You should, however, accurately assess the gravitas of your loinal situation. One way to determine how low you're actually willing to sink is a simple game of "Would I Rather?" For example, would you rather make the sweet stinky with garage girl or...
- watch a 12-hour marathon of the womens' reality show Starting Over?
- gently cradle a homeless man's balls on your forehead?
- hear your mom use the words "erection" and "panties" in a sentence?
- fuck Paris Hilton (I'm sorry - that must be like poking a back of spare rips floating in a 90 lb. leather Gucci bag)?
- eat a meal at Olive Garden?
- make out with this moustachio'd man?
Depending on how she scores against this criteria - have at it, hoss.
Dear Brendo,
I have really great friends that are usually there for me when I need them. I just still feel very alone and bothersome. I also fear making new friends, not for any other reason than the fact that I don't really know how to act around them. People compliment me and I don't have any problem with who I am, I just don't know how to start those new friendships off on the right foot without being a jerk.
- Socially Awkward Girl
What's wrong with being a jerk, SAG? America loves a jerk - Archie Bunker, Oscar the Grouch, OJ Simpson. Just think of how much fun it'd be to hang out with Axl Rose or Sean Penn.
But seriously, most people want to, on some level, feel needed by their friends. It's a good feeling to know that your friends count on you when the chips are down. But let's face it - the chips aren't down all that often. Most people don't want to feel needed all the time. Neediness is a big turn-off. Most friends just want to hang out, have a few beers, watch The Surreal Life and complain about that cunty bitchface the next cubicle over who always talks about her fucking useless teenage kids and their parole officers, like I give a fuck. Really, you should actively avoid people who do want to feel needed all the time - they're either co-dependents, religious freaks, alcoholics or amateur advice columnists.
As in most instances, this situation calls for the wisdom of an expert: Kevin Costner as Crash Davis in the movie Bull Durham. "Hold the ball like an egg," he tells Tim Robbins as the brash young hotshot pitcher "Nuke" LaRouche. Friendships need to be held like an egg. If you squeeze an egg too tightly, what happens? That's right - you go on to make mawkish, intelligence-insulting crap like The Shawshank Redemption.
Brendan,
My girlfriend always wants to do something fun in the evenings, but there's never anything to do! We end up watching TV and going to bed early. What can I do to make her happier and more entertained?
- Bored Benny in Boston
I'm glad you asked that, BBiB. In fact, we might just have the thing for you. Tomorrow night at the Abbey Lounge with Harris, Fooled By April and Orange Park. Just keep your girlfriend away from Scamper's drummer. He will seduce her with the jungle rhythms in his eyes.
That's it for our debut version of Brendan's Crap-Ass Advice Column. There's more to come - I'm just scratching the surface of the letters I've received. If you'd like me to answer your letter, hit me at brendan@scamper.net. Everything is anonymous and once again, don't send anything about hurting yourself or others, not even as a joke. Seriously - don't be a dick.
Brendan,
I know this girl at work likes me, but she's totally annoying and gross. She's always sick and wears the same clothes for days at a time. I think she sleeps in the parking garage. Should I go for it?
- In Demand
Cambridge, MA
Well, that depends, ID - how hard up are you? I'm guessing by the fact that you're even considering it, it's been a rough winter. But hey - there are times during the average day in which your average male considers putting his wee willy winky in a jalopie exhaust pipe as long as it's vibrating a little. You shouldn't be ashamed of this - it's how Jebus made you.
You should, however, accurately assess the gravitas of your loinal situation. One way to determine how low you're actually willing to sink is a simple game of "Would I Rather?" For example, would you rather make the sweet stinky with garage girl or...
- watch a 12-hour marathon of the womens' reality show Starting Over?
- gently cradle a homeless man's balls on your forehead?
- hear your mom use the words "erection" and "panties" in a sentence?
- fuck Paris Hilton (I'm sorry - that must be like poking a back of spare rips floating in a 90 lb. leather Gucci bag)?
- eat a meal at Olive Garden?
- make out with this moustachio'd man?
Depending on how she scores against this criteria - have at it, hoss.
Dear Brendo,
I have really great friends that are usually there for me when I need them. I just still feel very alone and bothersome. I also fear making new friends, not for any other reason than the fact that I don't really know how to act around them. People compliment me and I don't have any problem with who I am, I just don't know how to start those new friendships off on the right foot without being a jerk.
- Socially Awkward Girl
What's wrong with being a jerk, SAG? America loves a jerk - Archie Bunker, Oscar the Grouch, OJ Simpson. Just think of how much fun it'd be to hang out with Axl Rose or Sean Penn.
But seriously, most people want to, on some level, feel needed by their friends. It's a good feeling to know that your friends count on you when the chips are down. But let's face it - the chips aren't down all that often. Most people don't want to feel needed all the time. Neediness is a big turn-off. Most friends just want to hang out, have a few beers, watch The Surreal Life and complain about that cunty bitchface the next cubicle over who always talks about her fucking useless teenage kids and their parole officers, like I give a fuck. Really, you should actively avoid people who do want to feel needed all the time - they're either co-dependents, religious freaks, alcoholics or amateur advice columnists.
As in most instances, this situation calls for the wisdom of an expert: Kevin Costner as Crash Davis in the movie Bull Durham. "Hold the ball like an egg," he tells Tim Robbins as the brash young hotshot pitcher "Nuke" LaRouche. Friendships need to be held like an egg. If you squeeze an egg too tightly, what happens? That's right - you go on to make mawkish, intelligence-insulting crap like The Shawshank Redemption.
Brendan,
My girlfriend always wants to do something fun in the evenings, but there's never anything to do! We end up watching TV and going to bed early. What can I do to make her happier and more entertained?
- Bored Benny in Boston
I'm glad you asked that, BBiB. In fact, we might just have the thing for you. Tomorrow night at the Abbey Lounge with Harris, Fooled By April and Orange Park. Just keep your girlfriend away from Scamper's drummer. He will seduce her with the jungle rhythms in his eyes.
That's it for our debut version of Brendan's Crap-Ass Advice Column. There's more to come - I'm just scratching the surface of the letters I've received. If you'd like me to answer your letter, hit me at brendan@scamper.net. Everything is anonymous and once again, don't send anything about hurting yourself or others, not even as a joke. Seriously - don't be a dick.
5 Comments:
Hmm. Well done. This is the best Boston-band area website, isn't it? If only you linked to www.obscenies.com, like Aerosmith does. Those assholes.
Joe Perry used to come into the coffee shop where I was writing every day. One day, the guy behind the counter gave him a free cookie.
After Perry left, I asked him, "Why are you giving Joe Perry free stuff? If anyone can afford to pay for a cookie, it's Joe Perry."
The guy behind the counter thought about it and said, "You're right. That was stupid." The next time, Joe Perry, paid for his cookie.
So, all you Aerosmith haters like Vinny out there, I helped deny Joe Perry free cookies.
Cookies? Can we put the feeding tube back in Terri Schiavo, and then starve Aerosmith to death? This way, everyone wins.
For the record, Steven Tyler is by far the nicest and most generous with his time "famous" person I've ever met. And "Toys in the Attic" is a fucking jam.
To be fair, their version of Baby, Please Don't Go is on my emergency driving mix, in between TV Eye and Damage Case, and it fits quite nicely. And I'd probably let Jerry Bruckheimer fuck my dog if he paid me enough, so I can't really hold their crap soundtrack songs against them.
Dammit.
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