After the Joe Welsh Appreciation Dinner, some of the boys head to a local purveyor of female nudity. I won't bore you with the details of who does what with whom (except to say that Pete has ZERO sense of my taste in filthy whores), but something funny happens on the way to the forum:

I am walking around the place, trying to find the hottest girl to dance for Joe. I spot a petite blonde that seems eminently qualified for duty and tap her on her shoulder. She turns around, looks at me for a second and says, "Oh my God - are you from Hanovah?"

I respond, "Uh... yeah."

She squeals, jumps up and down and says, "I'm [name deleted]. I went to high school with you. You told me you had a crush on me when we were in the nurse's office. You had wicked bad pneumonia."

This story is absolutely true - this lovely young lady, who I never would have recognized with her bleached blonde hair, heavy make-up and clear high heels, was one of my many unrequited high school crushes (I was attracted to the "rescue me" thing - don't ask). This nurse's office encounter was the only conversation I ever had with her and she remembers it in vivid detail. I am utterly shocked.

"That's so funny," she continues, "You have to get a dance from me now." At this stage, I almost go into renal failure. A girl I couldn't get in high school wants to show me her hoo hoo for a twenty spot? The pale teenage virgin deep inside me just did a little backflip. This was the motherlode.

But the evening is not about me. I say, "That's Joe Welsh over there. Remember him? You should go dance for him." That's right, people - I pass up living the dream for my buddy Joe. I don't care what anyone says about me from here on in - I'm a hero. An American fucking hero.

If it had ended there, it would have been enough. But wait - there's more. As this beautiful lady is stripping for Joe, she's talking at length about all these people from high school (all of which Joe hated, of course), putting a drastic crimp in the mood. Then, out of nowhere, she starts in on Leonardo Da Vinci and how he invented drugs to control the population and how she figured it all out...

That's right - Joe not only got a lap dance from a hot girl from our high school, but she turned out to be a complete paranoid schizophrenic. It's like I had planned it all along. It was just too perfect.

Oh, you think the story's over, but it's ready to begin...