As I am most Monday mornings, I'm feeling a little sluggish. A bit slug-like, as it were. But next weekend, I'm kicking my sluggerific ass into high gear and doing something I never thought I'd be able to do:
Your slug-esque hero is running in the Somerville 5K.
Now, I know that running a little over 3 miles isn't that big of a deal for even a moderately in-shape person. But you've got to understand - I spent a good deal of my younger life perfecting my one-handed channel-surfing/pizza-eating skills. I couldn't even run the dryer without getting winded. My blood was three parts hemoglobin, one part McGriddle grease. I wasn't in good shape is what I'm getting at.
So I'm announcing my upcoming athletic feat for two reasons: a) so you can all lavish me with praise and ego-stroking and b) so you can ride my ass relentlessly if I don't finish. I will keep your caustic little black hearts in mind as I puff and struggle my way to the finish line. And don't worry - Mrs. Madden will be running alongside me with a defribulator, so there's a very real chance I might not die.
And also - I haven't forgotten about my relentless teasing of you. I have a few good stories/news items, but I still have the gag order on. Hopefully, I'll be able to share this week. So keep your panties on.
Your slug-esque hero is running in the Somerville 5K.
Now, I know that running a little over 3 miles isn't that big of a deal for even a moderately in-shape person. But you've got to understand - I spent a good deal of my younger life perfecting my one-handed channel-surfing/pizza-eating skills. I couldn't even run the dryer without getting winded. My blood was three parts hemoglobin, one part McGriddle grease. I wasn't in good shape is what I'm getting at.
So I'm announcing my upcoming athletic feat for two reasons: a) so you can all lavish me with praise and ego-stroking and b) so you can ride my ass relentlessly if I don't finish. I will keep your caustic little black hearts in mind as I puff and struggle my way to the finish line. And don't worry - Mrs. Madden will be running alongside me with a defribulator, so there's a very real chance I might not die.
And also - I haven't forgotten about my relentless teasing of you. I have a few good stories/news items, but I still have the gag order on. Hopefully, I'll be able to share this week. So keep your panties on.
5 Comments:
Yay, I am proud of you already! Hopefully we can get back to you telling me I am irritating in no time.
5Ks are for the well-kept gay guy who works in the office next to me, and menopausal women with a fading sense of self who needed a hobby after their kids moved out. Call me when you do an Ironman, you big talking vagina.
Vinny's gotten awfully aggressive since he jumped out of that airplane.
Next time, I hope your chute doesn't open, you testosterone-riddled set of shrunken balls.
No thanks, I don't want to ride your ass relentlessly, thats just gay.
"Leave Your Panties On" -The new Scamper album... in stores now!
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