Sorry, friends - work is slamming my ass like it's my 300-pound cell mate, so I've got to make it quick today. I don't even have time to make offensive jokes about WWII veterans. There's just not the time! To joke about the veterans.
It seems that I can't open my mouth without offending someone lately. Yesterday, I was told that some of the jokes I made on the air on Sunday night could be offensive - apparently, I shouldn't make jokes about fires. Even if Scamper turns into Voltron and saves Kay Hanley from a fire - STILL in bad taste.
I just don't know anymore. I was tragically born without the "get offended at jokes" bone in my body. I can't remember a single time in my life when I was offended by something with humorous intent. To compound that, I hang around with too many stand-up comics, Joe Welsh and other generally sicko fucks. I just don't know what's too far anymore!
So I guess I'm asking for your help. So I'm going to list a group and you guys can vote on whether I'm allowed to make jokes about them or not. Here goes:
- bald guys suffering from phantom limb
- Crimean War veterans
- registered nurses who have been raped by guys who kind of look a little like George Takei, Sulu from the original Star Trek series
- golfers from Connecticut
- Japanese guys who suck at karate
- Peloponnesian war veterans
- stupid kids who think that Santa is real
- robots that aren't really robots but are actually vacuum cleaners
- pedophiles who can only achieve arousal with a child if MC Hammer's "Please Hammer Don't Hurt Them" is playing in the background
- people tragically born without the "get offended at jokes" bone in their bodies
- whoever married Mr. T
I need your help, friends. What's a boy to do?
It seems that I can't open my mouth without offending someone lately. Yesterday, I was told that some of the jokes I made on the air on Sunday night could be offensive - apparently, I shouldn't make jokes about fires. Even if Scamper turns into Voltron and saves Kay Hanley from a fire - STILL in bad taste.
I just don't know anymore. I was tragically born without the "get offended at jokes" bone in my body. I can't remember a single time in my life when I was offended by something with humorous intent. To compound that, I hang around with too many stand-up comics, Joe Welsh and other generally sicko fucks. I just don't know what's too far anymore!
So I guess I'm asking for your help. So I'm going to list a group and you guys can vote on whether I'm allowed to make jokes about them or not. Here goes:
- bald guys suffering from phantom limb
- Crimean War veterans
- registered nurses who have been raped by guys who kind of look a little like George Takei, Sulu from the original Star Trek series
- golfers from Connecticut
- Japanese guys who suck at karate
- Peloponnesian war veterans
- stupid kids who think that Santa is real
- robots that aren't really robots but are actually vacuum cleaners
- pedophiles who can only achieve arousal with a child if MC Hammer's "Please Hammer Don't Hurt Them" is playing in the background
- people tragically born without the "get offended at jokes" bone in their bodies
- whoever married Mr. T
I need your help, friends. What's a boy to do?
14 Comments:
The only topic that I might find mildly offensive is pedophiles. I guess motherhood makes you more sensitive to those kinds of things.
Other than that, you can joke about gay fat veteran mexican retards without limbs dying of AIDS for all I care.
But these are pedophiles who are also hardcore MC Hammer fans. You can't tell me that's not funny. I just won't listen.
Ok, the MC Hammer part is funny. Being aroused by a child is not.
But I'm not judging you, because I would have thought it was funny before I was a mother.
You know, now that I think about it, you're screwed. Because for every mother like me disliking pedophile jokes, there's a mexican or gay or a veteran or a retard (excuse me, mentally challenged) that's offended by something else. So don't worry about it and joke away!
Wow - it's almost like I had a point in all that, huh?
Sulu is gay. He told me during a reach around last night.
I think poking fun at Connecticut Golfers Who Suck At Karate would be a tad insensitive. As far as the rest: Let'er Rip! Fair Game.
As an Expatriated Connecticut Golfer Who Sucks At Karate, I have to agree. Focus on children who have been set on fire by their mothers' estranged boyfriends, and are now horribly disfigured. No one will ever love them, so there will be fewer complaints.
You wrote "Takei" but it's actually pronounced "Takei". I'm offended.
I'm offended by how offended I am.
You know,this reminds me of a Bloom County strip I read eons ago:
[Overheard at a bus stop]
"Ya know, you penguin types offend me."
"Hey, I'll tell ya what offends me...dirty words, that's what"
"Polish jokes offend me"
"Stereotypes offend ME"
"TV sex offends me!!"
"Look! That SIGN is offensive!"
"I made that sign, and I'm offended!"
"Frankly, sir, YOU offend ME!"
"Well! I'm offended at your offense!"
"Those nudes offend my womanhood!"
"Those gays offend my manhood!"
"This comic offends my offensiveness!"
[in unison]
MY GOSH, LIFE IS OFFENSIVE!!
[crowd flees]
Opus looks at the reader and says: "Offensensitivity."
Looked funny in the strip, anyway.
I remember that comic strip actually.
Don't feel bad - it's impossible to "tell" a comic strip.
"Okay, in the first panel Calvin says to Hobbes 'What's the most offensive thing you can think of?'"
"Then, in the second panel, Hobbes drops his fur-pants and takes a dump on the tomb of the unknown soldier."
"In the third panel, Calvin says, 'Damn, nigga - that shit was coooold.'"
"In the fourth panel, they go sledding."
Watterson is a genius, my ass - I can write this shit.
I found this blog by accident earlier this year and I was totally put off by it until I opened my eyes to the cheekiness. Although I'm still none too keen on being referred to as a bitch in *any* context, I at least appreciate the goddamned jokes.
Because if we can't laugh at ourselves, the world is a sad, sad place.
Someone married Mr. T? Really? Damn.
Now THAT is funny! :P
Here's some:
Why don't you make fun of your weight problem or
Your bad hair or
Lack of sense of humor or
Finding fault in everyone else or
Lack of direction in life or
Getting pleasure out of making fun of people or
Complete lack of respect for anyone who doesn't agree with your rants or
your idea that humor comes from making other people feel uncomfortable?
Just because you can take the GRE's doesn't mean you should!
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