Tonight is the night in which I put my reverend skills to the test and officiate my brother's marriage. I probably should have started writing the ceremony earlier than this morning. Here's what I've got so far - let me know what you think:
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony. For those of you wondering how I got ordained as a minister, I answered an ad in the back of Barely Legal magazine. So rest assured - this marriage is legal. Just barely.
I've got to admit - I'm a little nervous about officiating this wedding. I hope my Catholic upbringing doesn't cause me to fall into those old priest-like habits. I'm looking in your general direction, ring bearers. Meow. Anyone got any MC Hammer? (Read Wednesday's journal entry. Trust me - that shit is funny.)
I would like to welcome the Irish side of the family that flew over for this event. I'm sure will be confused by the lack of an eternal Catholic mass. Have any of you ever been to an Irish wedding? It's like an hour and a half about Jesus and God. I guess they figure that marriage is an endless, confusing ordeal based on a false idea, so you might as well get started early.
I kid, I kid. What's up with the bridesmaids, huh? I haven't seen that much exposed back fat since I was in Thailand that one time and... what? Wrap it up?
Okay, thank you - you've been a great audience. I'm also available for christenings, bar mitzvahs and circumcisions... I won't charge you a fee, but I will keep the tips. Good night!"
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony. For those of you wondering how I got ordained as a minister, I answered an ad in the back of Barely Legal magazine. So rest assured - this marriage is legal. Just barely.
I've got to admit - I'm a little nervous about officiating this wedding. I hope my Catholic upbringing doesn't cause me to fall into those old priest-like habits. I'm looking in your general direction, ring bearers. Meow. Anyone got any MC Hammer? (Read Wednesday's journal entry. Trust me - that shit is funny.)
I would like to welcome the Irish side of the family that flew over for this event. I'm sure will be confused by the lack of an eternal Catholic mass. Have any of you ever been to an Irish wedding? It's like an hour and a half about Jesus and God. I guess they figure that marriage is an endless, confusing ordeal based on a false idea, so you might as well get started early.
I kid, I kid. What's up with the bridesmaids, huh? I haven't seen that much exposed back fat since I was in Thailand that one time and... what? Wrap it up?
Okay, thank you - you've been a great audience. I'm also available for christenings, bar mitzvahs and circumcisions... I won't charge you a fee, but I will keep the tips. Good night!"
12 Comments:
Back fat. Awesome.
Twisted. Love it. It's becoming scary that each morning I look more forward to Brendan's Journal than my coffee and heroine fix.
We heroes certainly need our heroine fix.
Big Cat, don't mind Nate - he's the resident Spelling and Grammar Douchebag.
Don't mind Brendan - he's the resident douchebag.
Oh... hello Noise Board. [fist clenched]
I heart back fat and douchebags.
Fine. Herion. Happy?
D'oh! F-You Diggity.
i recommend popping a couple valium pre-ceremony. it worked for me. and if it gets rough, just let the ladies and gentlemen know that you can't control your wwwwiiiipps.
If Nate is the resident spelling police, why didn't he rag on you for saying that you were "gathered HER" Hmmm??? ;P
What? I'm just sayin'...
Because that's just a typo.
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