Well, as much as we really enjoyed groveling for votes in the Hanson contest and ultimately losing (the lesson, as always: never try), it's time for Scamper to move on with our lives. Here's how each of us is planning on dealing with life, post-Hanson:
- With Theo Epstein's departure, Keith has been named interim general manager of the Boston Red Sox. Since he will be spending most of his time reorganizing and labeling the dugout bat rack, day-to-day operations of the team will be handled by his wife Alena. She will immediately fire Ortiz for striking out once on opening day, because God, she just HATES that shit. The rest of the team will quit soonafter because they just can't take being yelled at in Russian anymore. The one exception will be Jason Varitek - Alena will then quickly trade for Jason Bay and Jason Isringhausen, because someone named Jason could never do anything wrong boogie boogie boogie.
- Nate has left the world of rock and roll behind to fully embrace his S&M alter-ego Spanky McSlapmyass, the Human Abuse Magnet. His specialty? Being chained to the frame of a Buick Skylark while two 7 foot transsexuals named Laverne and Shirley pour 300 degree melted Twinkie filling on his uvula. Let me tell you - it's very sexy. He'll spend 3 nights on the club scene, followed by 4 nights in the hospital.
- Tired of Scamper's shenanigans, Mike will leave our sorry loser asses behind and start a new band called Mikey Miracle and the Valhalla Honey Express featuring his right testicle on bass and his left testicle on lead guitar. His taint will be the lead singer. They'll do mostly modern Christian rock with the occasional Hall and Oates cover thrown in there. They'll win a Latin Grammy, although no one's really sure why.
- As for me, I'm going to dedicate all my time to my new taxidermy career, specializing in people who want to kill their neighbor's cat and then pose them in sexually provocative positions. So yeah, I'm going into the family business.
So as you can see, we're going to be just fine. Don't cry for us. Just go, Hanson! We never loved you anyway!
- With Theo Epstein's departure, Keith has been named interim general manager of the Boston Red Sox. Since he will be spending most of his time reorganizing and labeling the dugout bat rack, day-to-day operations of the team will be handled by his wife Alena. She will immediately fire Ortiz for striking out once on opening day, because God, she just HATES that shit. The rest of the team will quit soonafter because they just can't take being yelled at in Russian anymore. The one exception will be Jason Varitek - Alena will then quickly trade for Jason Bay and Jason Isringhausen, because someone named Jason could never do anything wrong boogie boogie boogie.
- Nate has left the world of rock and roll behind to fully embrace his S&M alter-ego Spanky McSlapmyass, the Human Abuse Magnet. His specialty? Being chained to the frame of a Buick Skylark while two 7 foot transsexuals named Laverne and Shirley pour 300 degree melted Twinkie filling on his uvula. Let me tell you - it's very sexy. He'll spend 3 nights on the club scene, followed by 4 nights in the hospital.
- Tired of Scamper's shenanigans, Mike will leave our sorry loser asses behind and start a new band called Mikey Miracle and the Valhalla Honey Express featuring his right testicle on bass and his left testicle on lead guitar. His taint will be the lead singer. They'll do mostly modern Christian rock with the occasional Hall and Oates cover thrown in there. They'll win a Latin Grammy, although no one's really sure why.
- As for me, I'm going to dedicate all my time to my new taxidermy career, specializing in people who want to kill their neighbor's cat and then pose them in sexually provocative positions. So yeah, I'm going into the family business.
So as you can see, we're going to be just fine. Don't cry for us. Just go, Hanson! We never loved you anyway!
5 Comments:
Dude. Whoa. What do you put in your coffee in the morning? Could you tone down the funny a little? My coworkers are getting tired of me snarfing my cranberry juice every morning.
On another note: I have burned all of my Hanson CDs, posters and action figures. That's it! Over.
"His taint will be the lead singer."
Cheater; you stole that from The Bible.
OMG You're killing me. LOL :) :) :) LMAO LOL Hahahaha LOL :P
I like your Jason ideas. No wait, those weren't your ideas. That's my last year's fantasy baseball team! They were my best players. Those Jasons can sure play baseball.
this entry should be put in your hall of fame. it was by far the funniest thing you've come up with in a while.
thanks for making my lousy boring day interesting.
HAHAHA.
I heart you guys.
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