The reverend's first solemnization of the bond of marriage went off without a hitch. Congratulations to my little bro Colum and my new little sis Katie for taking the plunge and becoming husband and wife. It was a fun event with a few highlights:
- Just to freak out the bride and groom before the ceremony, I walked up to them holding the binder with the ceremony in it and said "I'm just making a few last minute changes. How do you spell 'douchebag'?" The bride didn't think that one was funny at all.
- You know how sometimes, when you're spending a lot of time around your family, you sort of secretly wish that you didn't have any family? Like, it'd be great if you could just fall off the grid and be left alone for the rest of your life? No? That's just me? Suuuure.
So while I'm up on the altar conducting the wedding with all my extended family listening to me, I had a moment. It suddenly occurred to me: I could end it all right here. Drop one C-word, expose a buttock or two and I'm done with this family. I could go out in a horrifying blaze of bare-assed glory. No more Christmas, no more weddings - complete and utter solitude for the rest of my life. It was only the culinary bliss of my mother's Thanksgiving marshmallow sweet potatoes that brought me back from the edge.
- Apparently, I did a nice job as reverend, as I got a lot of very serious offers - all for funerals. My dad's friends who are staring down the barrel of mortality apparently want their last rites performed heavy on the dick jokes. And, as a godless heathen with no respect for all that's sacred, I'm happy to oblige. I'll put the fun back in funeral.
- Speaking of family, I learned (to my horror) that some of my cousins read this journal (Hi guys). And they have some serious questions. My cousin Sean pulls me aside after the wedding and says, "I've been reading your journal and I've just got to know - are you gay? It's okay if you are - I just think you should have told us."
Shocking, I know. I'm aware that I may come across as a lot of things on this journal - crass, tasteless, sacrilegious, showing signs of borderline personality disorder... but gay? Is it because I talk about my drummer's balls so much? And does my ass look fat in these jeans?
- Just to freak out the bride and groom before the ceremony, I walked up to them holding the binder with the ceremony in it and said "I'm just making a few last minute changes. How do you spell 'douchebag'?" The bride didn't think that one was funny at all.
- You know how sometimes, when you're spending a lot of time around your family, you sort of secretly wish that you didn't have any family? Like, it'd be great if you could just fall off the grid and be left alone for the rest of your life? No? That's just me? Suuuure.
So while I'm up on the altar conducting the wedding with all my extended family listening to me, I had a moment. It suddenly occurred to me: I could end it all right here. Drop one C-word, expose a buttock or two and I'm done with this family. I could go out in a horrifying blaze of bare-assed glory. No more Christmas, no more weddings - complete and utter solitude for the rest of my life. It was only the culinary bliss of my mother's Thanksgiving marshmallow sweet potatoes that brought me back from the edge.
- Apparently, I did a nice job as reverend, as I got a lot of very serious offers - all for funerals. My dad's friends who are staring down the barrel of mortality apparently want their last rites performed heavy on the dick jokes. And, as a godless heathen with no respect for all that's sacred, I'm happy to oblige. I'll put the fun back in funeral.
- Speaking of family, I learned (to my horror) that some of my cousins read this journal (Hi guys). And they have some serious questions. My cousin Sean pulls me aside after the wedding and says, "I've been reading your journal and I've just got to know - are you gay? It's okay if you are - I just think you should have told us."
Shocking, I know. I'm aware that I may come across as a lot of things on this journal - crass, tasteless, sacrilegious, showing signs of borderline personality disorder... but gay? Is it because I talk about my drummer's balls so much? And does my ass look fat in these jeans?
10 Comments:
You sure he didn't say you were "ghey"?
Sean, not only is Brendan gay, but he has also mentioned to me that he doesn't think of having sex with his cousins as incest.
Geigh.
Also, my word verification is "zauce." Awesome.
Don't listen to her, Sean. She's from Russia - her family tree looks like a Bavarian pretzel.
I knew Brendo was gay. There was never any doubt.
The best story about me being gay:
When I was in college, one of my friends Chris was gay. And he and his gay friends would talk about which straight guys they had crushes on, which were in the closet, etc. My name never came up.
After a while, I started to get offended and asked, "Chris, why doesn't anyone think I'm gay?"
He looked me up and down and said, "Brendan, gay guys take good care of themselves."
And if anyone's seen a photo of me in college, they'll know exactly what he meant.
my mom also reads your journal and she told me that you're gay, no she actually thinks you're funny... but I don't need a step-dad so please don't fuck my mom...
Oh, in addition to fucking his cousins, Brendan also likes to fuck other people's moms. That's just the kind of guy he is.
my mom also reads your journal and she told me that you're gay...
The family that reads Brendan's Journal together, stays together.
i cant understand why he didnt get hit on by AT LEAST ONE GUY....(based on Brendos 99% hot dog diet in college...Come on how phalic!!) Luckily I live in the much more free spirited west hollywood, where parents are horrified on a daily basis...
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