It was good to get out and mingle with all you rock and roll folks at the Middle East Christmas party last night. And by "mingle," I of course mean "stand in the corner and hope no one talks to me."
I'm usually not shy at parties or anything, but when it's a "business" type of affair, I tend to clam up for some reason. I can be sort of useless at these "let's get together and schmooze about our bands" things. I think the problem is that when I'm out at these events, I'm not just representing myself - I'm representing the respected institution of Scamper, Inc. So I have to be on my best behavior.
Of course, this means that I can't use any of my time-tested, well-worn Christmas party opening lines, such as:
"Excuse me, sir - you have mistletoe hanging out of your snatch."
"You know, some people say there is no such thing as Santa. But I say there's no such thing as Sanka. Instant coffee, my ass."
"I love the holidays - my pubes always feel like fiber glass this time of year."
"One thing I've never understood about the nativity scene - why do they always have the baby Jesus wearing minstrel show-era black-face? It just seems historically inaccurate to me is all."
"Ho ho ho - I've got full-blown Hodgkins. Can I borrow your car keys?"
Wow - I can almost hear all those Christmas party invites being reneged. Happy Kwanzaa and don't forget to vote for us.
I'm usually not shy at parties or anything, but when it's a "business" type of affair, I tend to clam up for some reason. I can be sort of useless at these "let's get together and schmooze about our bands" things. I think the problem is that when I'm out at these events, I'm not just representing myself - I'm representing the respected institution of Scamper, Inc. So I have to be on my best behavior.
Of course, this means that I can't use any of my time-tested, well-worn Christmas party opening lines, such as:
"Excuse me, sir - you have mistletoe hanging out of your snatch."
"You know, some people say there is no such thing as Santa. But I say there's no such thing as Sanka. Instant coffee, my ass."
"I love the holidays - my pubes always feel like fiber glass this time of year."
"One thing I've never understood about the nativity scene - why do they always have the baby Jesus wearing minstrel show-era black-face? It just seems historically inaccurate to me is all."
"Ho ho ho - I've got full-blown Hodgkins. Can I borrow your car keys?"
Wow - I can almost hear all those Christmas party invites being reneged. Happy Kwanzaa and don't forget to vote for us.
10 Comments:
Men have snatches now? Mangina I've heard, but never male snatch.
Learn something new every day, I tell ya.
You couldn't have been feeling *that* shy- you let me bask in the glory of your guns. The beach is that way.
I'm never too shy to give you two tickets to the gun show, sweetie pie.
Do you mind if I borrow some of your lines for Keith's family Christmas party?
Sorry - they're all copyright protected. Just like my guns.
[i]Do you mind if I borrow some of your lines for Keith's family Christmas party?[/i]
I'd like you to say "Excuse me, sir - you have mistletoe hanging out of your snatch" to Aunt Mary.
Aunt Mary: "Ah? AH? Ah, go run around the table."
My dad used to say "go shite in your hat." That and "go piss up a rope."
wow... i never thought i'd read a joke with jesus in blackface that's somehow not racist or sacriligious... that's some serious comedy craftmanship there brendo...
Thank you - it's nice to be noticed for the little things.
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