I didn't watch the Grammys last night - did Scamper win anything? They'll usually call you and tell you if you won, right?
Actually, I did manage to catch a few minutes of the show and fortunately, it was Mariah Carey's performance. I didn't know that Mariah Carey was still around. Boy is she ever! I was pleased to discover that a) she still can't sing worth a pile of caveman dung and b) her rib balloons still look fantastic. Like my good god damnity cricket! Boiiiiinnnnnggg!!
Remember back in the day when Mariah first came out? I was in junior high, I think. Everyone was debating who was hotter, her or Whitney Houston. Well, it looks like Father Time answered that age-old question, huh? Whitney looks like she was run over by a semi filled with crystal meth and self-loathing. Mariah, on the other hand, is still eminently boinkable. Way to go, science.
During her performance, I spent a good five to seven minutes discussing with my gay roommate whether Mariah's breasts were real. Correction - it was mostly me doing the discussing. He didn't really give a shit. I'd shake my head, cross my arms and say "Nope, they're fake," followed by about 30 seconds of enraptured silence until I break out with "Wait, did you see how they moved right there? I think they're real! Goddamnit, I think they're real!" Much homosexual eye-rolling was thrown my way.
The final verdict was that they're real and that gay people hate me. Does anyone have any thoughts on either subject?
Oh and check this out - I called it yesterday. The Globe is talking all about the verbiage and the use of the term "sexual harrassment." It's good to know someone over there is finally paying attention to me. You're welcome, Globe. Now can I have my credit card information back?
Actually, I did manage to catch a few minutes of the show and fortunately, it was Mariah Carey's performance. I didn't know that Mariah Carey was still around. Boy is she ever! I was pleased to discover that a) she still can't sing worth a pile of caveman dung and b) her rib balloons still look fantastic. Like my good god damnity cricket! Boiiiiinnnnnggg!!
Remember back in the day when Mariah first came out? I was in junior high, I think. Everyone was debating who was hotter, her or Whitney Houston. Well, it looks like Father Time answered that age-old question, huh? Whitney looks like she was run over by a semi filled with crystal meth and self-loathing. Mariah, on the other hand, is still eminently boinkable. Way to go, science.
During her performance, I spent a good five to seven minutes discussing with my gay roommate whether Mariah's breasts were real. Correction - it was mostly me doing the discussing. He didn't really give a shit. I'd shake my head, cross my arms and say "Nope, they're fake," followed by about 30 seconds of enraptured silence until I break out with "Wait, did you see how they moved right there? I think they're real! Goddamnit, I think they're real!" Much homosexual eye-rolling was thrown my way.
The final verdict was that they're real and that gay people hate me. Does anyone have any thoughts on either subject?
Oh and check this out - I called it yesterday. The Globe is talking all about the verbiage and the use of the term "sexual harrassment." It's good to know someone over there is finally paying attention to me. You're welcome, Globe. Now can I have my credit card information back?
15 Comments:
Brendan scoops the globe! Holy gazookas! When are you going to establish the Brendan 100 News?
Also, U2 cleaned up. That's all I really paid much attention to.
Okay, I looked at Mariah's sweater cows too. Definitely real, btw.
there is no way that those puppies are real. go back and watch the video for "fantasy". she's at the carnival. she's got little 13yr old boobies.
implants. part of the ghetto mariah barbie makeover (or under).
i still have her "unplugged" album, though. i dig her.
Well, I heard she put on a few pounds. Maybe that's it? There was too much jiggle for those to be fake!
she's a bazillionaire.
she paid a lot of money.
she got a good boob job.
go do a google image search. you are nuts if you think they are real.
My cousin was at the Grammys last night; his band Shadows Fall was nominated for Best Metal Performance, but they lost to Slipknot.
Check them out, if you dare. He's the drummer.
Ha - I completely forgot about that one, Gizzle.
I always love it when people remind me how hilarious I am.
Speaking of Whitney Houston... There are a few things left in the universe that stupify me. Among them are gravity, evolution, blackholes, carbon nanotubes, and Whitney Houston's fall from grace. I can remember when, in the 80's, she, Brooke Shields and Mary Lou Retton could have burned a bus full of nuns alive in Times Square and still be asked to sing the national anthem at the Superbowl and visit the President at the White House. She was one of America's sweethearts. These days I've seen crack soaked hookers on the corners of South Beach more classy and articulate than her.
So sad. What happened?
What does that have to do with Mariah's awesomely fake sweater puppies? Nothing. Sorry...
In light of all these comments, it's clear I'll have to do some more research into Mariah's jugs.
I should know. I'm a professional. I scored 95% in that "Real or Fake?" test that's been floating around the interweb.
I think Henry and I just want them to be real so much that we're letting it cloud our judgment.
But in the end, it doesn't really matter. If I can touch them, they're real.
Cool for Shadows Fall. Somewhere I have a recording of Brian Fair in junior high doing a rap with some classmates about energy conservation. Fucking awesome. Almost as good as his Overcast stuff.
Keith, I didn't know there was any musical talent in your family.
Get it? Because you're in your family? And I'm suggesting you have no musical talent? Ha ha?
Wow, drummer in a metal band AND a Rockette! That's a talented cousin.
Wow, drummer in a metal band AND a Rockette! That's a talented cousin.
No, that's my other cousin you ninny.
She's not a Rockette anymore... Most recently she was in the Broadway show Nine with Antonio Banderas. Yowsa.
Keith, I didn't know there was anyone attractive in your family.
Get it? Because you're in your family? And I'm suggesting you aren't attractive? Ha ha?
I wonder how much time has to pass for Brendan to realize that I'm ignoring him.
Anybody have any experience in that?
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