How about that Jonathan Papelbon kid, eh? 9 out of 9 saves with a 0.00 ERA. Eh? Eh? That, plus a passing resemblance to Roger Clemens equals a guaranteed spot in the Hall of Fame. Don't be dicks, Cooperstown!
But more importantly, the fresh new Red Sox season means a fresh new batch of nicknames for the players. I've been off to a bit of a slow start this year, because Joe is too preoccupied with creating nicknames for his favorite Rochester Red Wings players (I have a sneaking suspicion that "Mrs." Garrett "from Diff'rent Strokes and then later The Facts of Life" Jones may be a hot prospect) to help out with any of the heavy lifting this summer.
So not only am I flying solo, but there's a whole new team of Sox with which to contend. A good nickname doesn't just happen overnight - you have to get a feel for the player and his abilities and personality. Then, the nickname has to filter through the synapses, double back on itself and become this completely nonsensical variation on the theme. It requires hours of free time and not a small amount of beer.
Let me give you an example of how this has worked in the past. Brian Daubauch was "Bullet." It's really simple if you think about it:
Daubach --> Dauber --> Pam Dawber of Mork and Mindy --> Pam Dawber's co-star in My Sister Sam was Rebecca Schaeffer --> who was tragically killed by a stalker --> who shot her with a --> Bullet.
So Brian Daubach is Bullet. Really, it just makes sense if you just put down that breakfast burrito and use your freakin' head for a minute.
This year's team has been a challenge, to say the least. There are a LOT of new players with VERY vanilla personalities. So far, Mark Loretta is "Mark Go-getta," which was a bit of a lay up. The only other one I have so far is Papelbon, which requires a bit more complicated back story:
You see, before everyone started calling David Ortiz "Big Papi," Joe and I had already christened him "Big Game Dave," which morphed into "BGD" and then became "BuhGuhDuh" and quickly morphed into "Boogie Down." So when the rest of Fenway is on their feet yelling for Ortiz "Let's go, Big Papi," I'm quietly repeating "Boogie Down" over and over to myself. So that clears things out for this year - when Jonathan Papelbon is on the hill for a tense save situation, I mutter four words to him:
Let's go, Big Papi.
But I need some help, people. Anyone been working on any nicknames for this year's Red Sox team? I'm drowning here.
But more importantly, the fresh new Red Sox season means a fresh new batch of nicknames for the players. I've been off to a bit of a slow start this year, because Joe is too preoccupied with creating nicknames for his favorite Rochester Red Wings players (I have a sneaking suspicion that "Mrs." Garrett "from Diff'rent Strokes and then later The Facts of Life" Jones may be a hot prospect) to help out with any of the heavy lifting this summer.
So not only am I flying solo, but there's a whole new team of Sox with which to contend. A good nickname doesn't just happen overnight - you have to get a feel for the player and his abilities and personality. Then, the nickname has to filter through the synapses, double back on itself and become this completely nonsensical variation on the theme. It requires hours of free time and not a small amount of beer.
Let me give you an example of how this has worked in the past. Brian Daubauch was "Bullet." It's really simple if you think about it:
Daubach --> Dauber --> Pam Dawber of Mork and Mindy --> Pam Dawber's co-star in My Sister Sam was Rebecca Schaeffer --> who was tragically killed by a stalker --> who shot her with a --> Bullet.
So Brian Daubach is Bullet. Really, it just makes sense if you just put down that breakfast burrito and use your freakin' head for a minute.
This year's team has been a challenge, to say the least. There are a LOT of new players with VERY vanilla personalities. So far, Mark Loretta is "Mark Go-getta," which was a bit of a lay up. The only other one I have so far is Papelbon, which requires a bit more complicated back story:
You see, before everyone started calling David Ortiz "Big Papi," Joe and I had already christened him "Big Game Dave," which morphed into "BGD" and then became "BuhGuhDuh" and quickly morphed into "Boogie Down." So when the rest of Fenway is on their feet yelling for Ortiz "Let's go, Big Papi," I'm quietly repeating "Boogie Down" over and over to myself. So that clears things out for this year - when Jonathan Papelbon is on the hill for a tense save situation, I mutter four words to him:
Let's go, Big Papi.
But I need some help, people. Anyone been working on any nicknames for this year's Red Sox team? I'm drowning here.
17 Comments:
All I've got, as we discussed, is "Light-hitting Alex Gonzalez" and "Wily Mo...he's a vegetarian." Not very catchy, those.
I tried dubbing Papelbon "Pap Smear" (or just "Smear") last year but no one liked it.
we're not even getting into the pappelbon-->pap smear connection.
alena and i have become fond of calling him cinna-bon. and i gladly submitted my idea for his new theme song: ricky martin's "shake your bon bon" with rhymes seemlessly with "papel-bon bon"
this really is a tough year for nicknames.
as i've already told you though, i think "mark go-getta" has to be temporary. that's just too easy.
i miss daubach. LOVED him.
I have a "Daubach's my daddy" pin.
This band owes a debt of gratitude to that man.
True - I was watching the game with my brother and sister-in-law when Jerry Remy said "Lowell scampers into second base."
I told them the origin of the Scamper name came from that. They didn't believe me.
I like "Light-hitting Alex Gonzalez" although I may change the spelling to "Leit-hitting." I have that power.
Reference this 2003 thread on the messageboard:
http://www.scamper.net/board/read.php?f=1&i=527&t=527
The first half of it, at least.
Light-hitting Alex Gonzalez -> LHAG -> El Hag -> The Hag.
Willy Mo Pena-->Pens-->Popular Brand--> "Bic"
care to elabore on that. i'm sure it can easily be brought to a new level, much higher than the level of suckage it's at right now.
ps: my word verification was "fxczeup" which i definitely said as "fuck up". oddly appropriate for a post about pena.
If Alex Gonzalez has a super villian alter ego, it's "The Hag."
how about The Hague? i hear mr. gonalez is a pretty diplomatic guy.
and diggity i'm glad someone else got the willy mo /he's a vegetarian song in his head... i was beginning to think i was crazy. a lot of those songs from the mid-to-late 90s, i'm not even sure if they really happened anymore...
as for new nicknames, i like "downtown lowell" for mike.
there's, of course, "get back loretta," but i think i like go-getta betta.
at our first game of the year there was a dude in the bleachers behind us freestyling a rap about "every time i go to fenway, i drop da loot, da loot, with me and wily mo, wily mo!" ...there has to be a nickname in there somewhere. other than "strike out king" or "garbage time" pena. "chia pet" pena? "not as many home runs as bronson arroyo" pena? as you can see i'm not real high on wily mo.
We should definitely call Loretta "Hot Lips" after Ms. Swit.
Nate, methinks we have discovered a hidden talent.
I like to call Josh Beckett "Buildot" (silent "t").
Beckett's number: 19 -> Building #19 -> "Buil"
Josh Beckett -> Samuel Beckett -> 'Waiting For Godot' -> "dot"
Buildot with a silent t? I don't know - sounds like it rhymes with something that's just quite frankly inappropriate.
Exactly!
He's a pitcher!
Let the record show that on this day of April 26, in the year of Our Lord 2006, Brendan refrained from actually saying "dildo".
wow. i can't believe he gave up such an opportunity.
nate: can i have the daubach pin? it would go nicely with my autographed plaque/photo of him i bought ages and ages ago. :) pllleeaaassseee
Let the record show that on this day of April 26, in the year of Our Lord 2006, Brendan refrained from actually saying "dildo".
Don't worry - I wasn't cursed with sudden good taste. It just seemed too easy.
nate: can i have the daubach pin?
No fucking way.
I'm just now remembering, much like Brendo and Joe, my old roommate Zano and I had a handful of Sox nicknames ourselves. Daubach was The Yeoman. And Damon, after striking out in the first at-bat of (I believe) the 2003 season, was forever The Shame.
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