Quick reminder - check us out at Chum's at Brandeis tonight.
Now, remember my friend the lovely Dawn who wowed us all not only with her deep sultry eyes, but also her deep, sultry understanding of the NFL salary cap and her devotion to Bill Belichick a few weeks back? I know the Big Cat's getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it.
Sorry fellas, but sadly Dawn has a better half - my good friend Jim who just happens to work in the same building as me. This morning, Jim cemented himself in work history as the most entertaining maniacal genius of all time.
Much to my immeasurable pleasure, I found this little gem in my inbox this morning. I must emphasize that this email was sent to the entire building - over a hundred people. I felt the need to share it in its entirety:
I am sorry to waste all of your time, as I am certain it is only one bad apple spoiling the barrel; but someone has woken this sleeping dog.
I know we have seen this email before... "Whoever keeps eating my food, please stop." Well there is no "please" in my version. There is a story, and a threat. That is right, I used the word "threat" --a word that when used in 2006 often results in the SWAT Team arriving at your place of work.
First the context: I am getting married this summer, and my intention is to lose some weight. That means less bagels from Dunkin Donuts, and more yogurt, fat free plain yogurt to be exact. You have to have a reason to eat this stuff; it is not like any rational human likes this gruel. I bring one large tub in a week. I put my name on it (in indelible marker) and consume it within the week. I do not buy the little ones because they cost more and I forget them in the morning (and frankly they are easier for you little vermin to steal). I buy my tub on Sunday, bring it in on Monday and throw it out on Friday. Real simple plan right? Wrong!
I have been noticing that the level of my yogurt has been going down in the tub faster than I eat it. That is right; someone is nibbling at my gruel. Am I nuts? Maybe, so I start marking the height of my yogurt on the container. Does yogurt evaporate? Not this quickly!
Now in case we have forgot, we are now talking about a large tub of non-fat, plain, looks-like-prison-slop yogurt in a tub with my name on the top and levels marked on the side (in indelible marker).
Now we come to this morning. I am hungry. I am wasting away. I am going to eat my gruel. I don't see my yogurt. I dig through the bags and the Tupperware... nothing! Someone has finished my Friday serving. Now I am hungry; and, well I won't use the other words; but you get the picture.
I am putting it out there right now. I am going to put decoy yogurt in this fridge. Whoever you are, you tasteless-slurry thief, one day you will eat from the wrong container. Imagine your delight when you see a nice new score in the fridge, a virgin tub of yogurt. Not just any yogurt, but the good stuff. We are talking 100% pure, uncut organic yogurt... maybe with blueberries and those crunchy things that you see packaged on the lid. Maybe you'll try to resist, but we all know you can't. You have a problem.
Do you do it for a thrill? Try robbing a bank.
Do you have a sugar imbalance? Suck on a sugar packet.
Are you broke? The building can take up a collection, or maybe the "bank" thing can kill two birds.
Just be aware that when you dip your spoon in your next ill-gotten booty and you raise your hand to your lips, trembling with anticipation, that this might be the day that your thieving ways catch-up to you. I am well versed in revenge. You may have just eaten the dregs from my fish aquarium; do you know how much excrement a goldfish can produce in a day? You may have just begun a three-day hallucination of the best peyote you can find in Somerville. Maybe it Elmer's Glue (non toxic); I don't know yet, and neither do you.
Thank you for your time.
-Jim
You read that right. Jim threatened to poison the entire building for eating his yogurt. Sometimes you come into work and suddenly, it's a good day.
Now, remember my friend the lovely Dawn who wowed us all not only with her deep sultry eyes, but also her deep, sultry understanding of the NFL salary cap and her devotion to Bill Belichick a few weeks back? I know the Big Cat's getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it.
Sorry fellas, but sadly Dawn has a better half - my good friend Jim who just happens to work in the same building as me. This morning, Jim cemented himself in work history as the most entertaining maniacal genius of all time.
Much to my immeasurable pleasure, I found this little gem in my inbox this morning. I must emphasize that this email was sent to the entire building - over a hundred people. I felt the need to share it in its entirety:
I am sorry to waste all of your time, as I am certain it is only one bad apple spoiling the barrel; but someone has woken this sleeping dog.
I know we have seen this email before... "Whoever keeps eating my food, please stop." Well there is no "please" in my version. There is a story, and a threat. That is right, I used the word "threat" --a word that when used in 2006 often results in the SWAT Team arriving at your place of work.
First the context: I am getting married this summer, and my intention is to lose some weight. That means less bagels from Dunkin Donuts, and more yogurt, fat free plain yogurt to be exact. You have to have a reason to eat this stuff; it is not like any rational human likes this gruel. I bring one large tub in a week. I put my name on it (in indelible marker) and consume it within the week. I do not buy the little ones because they cost more and I forget them in the morning (and frankly they are easier for you little vermin to steal). I buy my tub on Sunday, bring it in on Monday and throw it out on Friday. Real simple plan right? Wrong!
I have been noticing that the level of my yogurt has been going down in the tub faster than I eat it. That is right; someone is nibbling at my gruel. Am I nuts? Maybe, so I start marking the height of my yogurt on the container. Does yogurt evaporate? Not this quickly!
Now in case we have forgot, we are now talking about a large tub of non-fat, plain, looks-like-prison-slop yogurt in a tub with my name on the top and levels marked on the side (in indelible marker).
Now we come to this morning. I am hungry. I am wasting away. I am going to eat my gruel. I don't see my yogurt. I dig through the bags and the Tupperware... nothing! Someone has finished my Friday serving. Now I am hungry; and, well I won't use the other words; but you get the picture.
I am putting it out there right now. I am going to put decoy yogurt in this fridge. Whoever you are, you tasteless-slurry thief, one day you will eat from the wrong container. Imagine your delight when you see a nice new score in the fridge, a virgin tub of yogurt. Not just any yogurt, but the good stuff. We are talking 100% pure, uncut organic yogurt... maybe with blueberries and those crunchy things that you see packaged on the lid. Maybe you'll try to resist, but we all know you can't. You have a problem.
Do you do it for a thrill? Try robbing a bank.
Do you have a sugar imbalance? Suck on a sugar packet.
Are you broke? The building can take up a collection, or maybe the "bank" thing can kill two birds.
Just be aware that when you dip your spoon in your next ill-gotten booty and you raise your hand to your lips, trembling with anticipation, that this might be the day that your thieving ways catch-up to you. I am well versed in revenge. You may have just eaten the dregs from my fish aquarium; do you know how much excrement a goldfish can produce in a day? You may have just begun a three-day hallucination of the best peyote you can find in Somerville. Maybe it Elmer's Glue (non toxic); I don't know yet, and neither do you.
Thank you for your time.
-Jim
You read that right. Jim threatened to poison the entire building for eating his yogurt. Sometimes you come into work and suddenly, it's a good day.
8 Comments:
Haha! This is great! I wish I got these kinds of emails. Maybe I should go work in your building.
He's absolutely right. That's completely unforgivable. Not quite as bad as the Phantom Office Shitter, but it's easily in the Top Three.
What, pray tell, is the Phantom Office Shitter?
Both are total strangers yet I think Dawn and Jim are THE greatest couple ever. I don't know who I lust after more.
Behold. Or belook, rather:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/33123421.html
this is awesome. it was always a pet peeve of mine when people would take food out of the fridge when i worked at an office, but we didn't have email. we later found out someone was seriously a klepto.
someone i knew once spit in the woman's drink who continuously took everything. we all sat one day at lunch and watched her swig it down. it was brilliant and unbearable to not crack up laughing.
Both are total strangers yet I think Dawn and Jim are THE greatest couple ever. I don't know who I lust after more.
You should be around when they fight. Quite the knock-down drag out. Always entertaining.
That was priceless! Totally Pirceless.
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