Last night was a terrific night at Ye Olde Ballparkeee. Some highlights:
- On the subway down to the park, I was lucky to find myself sitting across from a middle-aged guy in a moustache crouching with great attention over his edition of the Metro. Upon further inspection, I noticed that he was actually reading another magazine that he had enfolded in the Metro. Upon even further inspection, I realized it was a fucking Hustler. Jesus, dude. On the train? You can't wait until you get home to crack that puppy open? I got up and moved, on the off chance he was going to see his actions to their natural conclusion. I really didn't want to end up as a witness for the prosecution.
- I made the unthinkable mistake of showing up at Fenway hungry and thirsty for beer. Here's what I what I ate and what I paid for it:
2 hot dogs: $8
1 fries: $4.50
1 ice cream: $4
4 beers: $26.50 (!!!!)
Do you have any idea how far I could stretch $43 at the grocery store? I could get 427 hot dogs or a tub of ice cream high as an elephant's eye. Curse you, overinflated Fenway prices. And curse you, ice cream for being so freakin' delicious.
- In response to yesterday's debate, I did clap for Damon during his first at-bat and then booed him every other time up. Apparently, I wasn't booing viciously enough because the girl behind me poked me in the back and said, "Come on, man. Boo his fucking ass."
I responded: "When I was a baby, I was held a lot and breastfed, so I don't have all the deep anger inside that you do. I'm sorry." She looked at me like I had 12 heads. Score.
- As anyone who has ever gone to a game with me knows, the actual athletic competition falls secondary to what clever quips are yelled. The goal is to get as many people in your section to stop concentrating on the game for a moment and think "Wait - what the fuck did he just say?"
As you can imagine, Scamper as a whole is quite good at this little game. Mike started the proceedings by yelling quite loudly "Yay baseball!" to which the guy in front of us turned and said, "That's a bit general, isn't it?"
We were in the center field bleachers, so of course everyone was jumping on Damon with the very clever "You suck" and "You're a fag, Damon." Charming, original material, all. It took well into the 6th or 7th inning before I could get a moment alone with Johnny and yell, "What - you think just because you have 52 million dollars and an upper east side apartment and a really hot wife that you're better than me?" (Pause and look around) "Oh my God - he is SO MUCH better than me." No one in the general vicinity seemed to disagree too strongly.
Late in the game, my throat was starting to hurt from all the screaming and I just blurted out "I like ice cream!" over and over again. A guy in front turned around, leading to the following exchange:
Guy: "I like ice cream?"
Me: "Yeah, it's really good."
Guy: (concerned) "Look, you've had some real gems in this game. But 'I like ice cream'? Come on, man." [disappointed, he shakes his head and turns back around.]
Me: (quietly) I do. Like ice cream.
- You know, as much fun as I had last night - I think I'm all set with Fenway for a while. There is such a high concentration of douchebags there, especially when the Yankees are in town. The douchebag to non-douchebag ratio in that place is just off the scale. And they're boring. Oh God, they're just so boring. The arguments and "quips" between Sox and Yankee fans in the men's bathroom were narcolepsy-inducing:
"How many rings does A-Rod have?"
"Yeah, well how's Coco's finger?"
"Yeah, well how's Giambi's shrunken balls?"
"Yeah, well it's 26 to 1, asshole."
"Yeah, well how are the Giants doing?"
"Yeah, well we should both probably just suck a tailpipe. We've got nothing to contribute to the world at this stage."
"... yeah." [They hold hands and jump off a cliff.]
Don't get me wrong - it's not just in Fenway that the douchebag ratio goes up. I've had the same experience in every ballpark or arena or concert I've ever attended. Maybe I'm just not designed to have direct, intensive contact with large masses of people. It sours me on the whole "being alive" thing.
Anyway, it was a fun night. Thanks to Nate for getting the tickets. Here is photo evidence of your local rock heroes, enjoying a fine spring evening at Fenway:
- On the subway down to the park, I was lucky to find myself sitting across from a middle-aged guy in a moustache crouching with great attention over his edition of the Metro. Upon further inspection, I noticed that he was actually reading another magazine that he had enfolded in the Metro. Upon even further inspection, I realized it was a fucking Hustler. Jesus, dude. On the train? You can't wait until you get home to crack that puppy open? I got up and moved, on the off chance he was going to see his actions to their natural conclusion. I really didn't want to end up as a witness for the prosecution.
- I made the unthinkable mistake of showing up at Fenway hungry and thirsty for beer. Here's what I what I ate and what I paid for it:
2 hot dogs: $8
1 fries: $4.50
1 ice cream: $4
4 beers: $26.50 (!!!!)
Do you have any idea how far I could stretch $43 at the grocery store? I could get 427 hot dogs or a tub of ice cream high as an elephant's eye. Curse you, overinflated Fenway prices. And curse you, ice cream for being so freakin' delicious.
- In response to yesterday's debate, I did clap for Damon during his first at-bat and then booed him every other time up. Apparently, I wasn't booing viciously enough because the girl behind me poked me in the back and said, "Come on, man. Boo his fucking ass."
I responded: "When I was a baby, I was held a lot and breastfed, so I don't have all the deep anger inside that you do. I'm sorry." She looked at me like I had 12 heads. Score.
- As anyone who has ever gone to a game with me knows, the actual athletic competition falls secondary to what clever quips are yelled. The goal is to get as many people in your section to stop concentrating on the game for a moment and think "Wait - what the fuck did he just say?"
As you can imagine, Scamper as a whole is quite good at this little game. Mike started the proceedings by yelling quite loudly "Yay baseball!" to which the guy in front of us turned and said, "That's a bit general, isn't it?"
We were in the center field bleachers, so of course everyone was jumping on Damon with the very clever "You suck" and "You're a fag, Damon." Charming, original material, all. It took well into the 6th or 7th inning before I could get a moment alone with Johnny and yell, "What - you think just because you have 52 million dollars and an upper east side apartment and a really hot wife that you're better than me?" (Pause and look around) "Oh my God - he is SO MUCH better than me." No one in the general vicinity seemed to disagree too strongly.
Late in the game, my throat was starting to hurt from all the screaming and I just blurted out "I like ice cream!" over and over again. A guy in front turned around, leading to the following exchange:
Guy: "I like ice cream?"
Me: "Yeah, it's really good."
Guy: (concerned) "Look, you've had some real gems in this game. But 'I like ice cream'? Come on, man." [disappointed, he shakes his head and turns back around.]
Me: (quietly) I do. Like ice cream.
- You know, as much fun as I had last night - I think I'm all set with Fenway for a while. There is such a high concentration of douchebags there, especially when the Yankees are in town. The douchebag to non-douchebag ratio in that place is just off the scale. And they're boring. Oh God, they're just so boring. The arguments and "quips" between Sox and Yankee fans in the men's bathroom were narcolepsy-inducing:
"How many rings does A-Rod have?"
"Yeah, well how's Coco's finger?"
"Yeah, well how's Giambi's shrunken balls?"
"Yeah, well it's 26 to 1, asshole."
"Yeah, well how are the Giants doing?"
"Yeah, well we should both probably just suck a tailpipe. We've got nothing to contribute to the world at this stage."
"... yeah." [They hold hands and jump off a cliff.]
Don't get me wrong - it's not just in Fenway that the douchebag ratio goes up. I've had the same experience in every ballpark or arena or concert I've ever attended. Maybe I'm just not designed to have direct, intensive contact with large masses of people. It sours me on the whole "being alive" thing.
Anyway, it was a fun night. Thanks to Nate for getting the tickets. Here is photo evidence of your local rock heroes, enjoying a fine spring evening at Fenway:
23 Comments:
Why is Keith's face melting?
What the hell? Is Keith weraing a Keith mask or something? Something just doesn't look...right.
...and Brendan looks like the dude from Far Out Space Nuts.
i tend to favor the self-help cheers from the bleachers. e.g.:
"dare to dream, tejada! soar with the eagles!"
"come on hernandez, believe in yourself. i believe in you."
"guys, seriously! just have fun out there. that's the most important thing."
"don't be afraid to succeed, hudson!"
"whatever happens out there chavez, we're all very proud of you. you should be proud too!"
and yes, the last time i went to see a baseball game it was 2003 in oakland.
Keith looks like he's freezing his balls off. Somebody shoulda bought him some hot cocoa.
I enjoyed explaining "Hot Lips" Loretta to the dude in front of us. And the guy asking "Is Wily Mo really a vegetarian?"
Why is Keith's face melting?
Is Keith weraing a Keith mask or something?
Hey, you smartasses try photoshopping at 7 in the morning. With an 19-month old jumping bean bouncing on your lap.
I put up the original.
Jerks.
Come on, that first one was awesome.
Just concerned you were made of putty is all. I apologize unreservedly...
Keith is very sensitive about his melting face.
We'll hopefully have a new picture without PROOF written across it up soon.
And what exactly was Nate caught doing there?
We'll hopefully have a new picture without PROOF written across it up soon.
I give up. There you go, have a field day. Or someone can donate $18.99 to the band so we can buy the original from the FANFOTO poachers.
And what exactly was Nate caught doing there?
He was caught calling Mark Loretta "Hot Lips." That wasn't a popular nickname to be yelled in the macho bleachers.
Moving on...
Reports from Alabama are coming in saying that Scamper got some face time on the ESPN broadcast. Readers in MA only got the NESN feed, but anyone else out there in USA-ville catch our cheery, cheering mugs?
nah, as I have NESN...
but you can see my fat ass tonight in section 41, as the bullpen remote camera is focused on my section every night.
my apologies to the viewing public.
Did you at least save the little Red Sox helmet from the ice cream? I like those.
We just had lunch with Mark Loretta in Brookline.
I got the dish, not the helmet. Sorry. Does that make me a traitor?
We should boo you like we booed the guy who dropped his pretzels.
Don't forget that Brendan was also that guy who completely knocked the beer to the ground of the guy behind us whilst celebrating. Maybe it was Papi's homer, so it's forgivable.
And the guy did have about 10 more beers under his chair.
It only had about a quarter of a beer left in there.
I apologized profusely.
It only had about a quarter of a beer left in there.
= $1.82
I got the dish, not the helmet. Sorry. Does that make me a traitor?
No, but it does make you a douchebag.
Brendan is definitely a douchebag.
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