The following is a transcript from a conversation between Brendan (B) and his Checking Account (CA) late last night:
B: Hey, it's my old buddy Checking Account. How's it hanging, my brother?
CA: Eh. I've been better.
B: Oh, come on. It can't be that bad.
CA: I don't think you want to know.
B: I'm an adult. I can handle it.
CA: Ok, but don't say I didn't warn you...
[shows Brendan the balance]
B: What the... $6.12?
CA: I told you you didn't want to know.
B: How the fuck does that happen? I have a job, for fuck's sake!
CA: Rent, utilities, insurance, car, college loans... it all adds up, dude.
B: Damn it! I knew college was a mistake!
CA: You're telling me.
B: But still - six dollars? Six fucking dollars? How am I supposed to eat?
CA: I'm a bank account, not a nutritionist.
B: I just don't understand how this happened.
CA: Well, there was the bar last night and the bar the night before that and this weekend, there was all that drinking.
B: I can't be spending that much money on booze, can I?
CA: Actually... we've been meaning to talk to you about that.
B: What do you mean, "we"?
[Brendan's checking account is joined by his Credit Rating, Savings Account and Cheese of the Month Club account.]
CA: A few of us have been talking...
B: Wait - is this an intervention?
CA: The important thing to remember is that we all really care about you and we want you to get better.
Credit Rating: You've done nothing but make me look worthless to the outside world. It's embarrassing.
Savings Account: I'm feeling neglected. You haven't put anything inside me for years. What kind of a relationship is that?
B: Et tu, Cheese of the Month Club?
[Cheese of the Month Club simply looks away in shame.]
CA: It's time for a change, Brendan. You're almost 30 years old. It's time to stop paying so much attention to booze, fast food and cheap women and start taking care of the ones that take care of you back... us.
B: You're right. I know you're right. I just... I just love booze, fast food and cheap women so much.
Credit Rating: They are pretty great.
CA: You're not helping, Credit Rating.
B: You guys are right. I'm going to change my ways. It's time for a new, fiscally responsible Brendan. I'm going to do it! I'm... wait - what's this in the mail?
[Brendan opens an envelope and a new Credit Card pops out.]
Credit Card: You're pre-approved! 0% APR for the first year! I'll solve everything! Spend spend spend!
B: That sounds awesome! Fiscal responsibility? Ha! I'll see you squares later!
[Brendan jumps on the Credit Card and flies away to continue his irresponsible life of debauchery.]
CA: Nooooooooooo!
B: Hey, it's my old buddy Checking Account. How's it hanging, my brother?
CA: Eh. I've been better.
B: Oh, come on. It can't be that bad.
CA: I don't think you want to know.
B: I'm an adult. I can handle it.
CA: Ok, but don't say I didn't warn you...
[shows Brendan the balance]
B: What the... $6.12?
CA: I told you you didn't want to know.
B: How the fuck does that happen? I have a job, for fuck's sake!
CA: Rent, utilities, insurance, car, college loans... it all adds up, dude.
B: Damn it! I knew college was a mistake!
CA: You're telling me.
B: But still - six dollars? Six fucking dollars? How am I supposed to eat?
CA: I'm a bank account, not a nutritionist.
B: I just don't understand how this happened.
CA: Well, there was the bar last night and the bar the night before that and this weekend, there was all that drinking.
B: I can't be spending that much money on booze, can I?
CA: Actually... we've been meaning to talk to you about that.
B: What do you mean, "we"?
[Brendan's checking account is joined by his Credit Rating, Savings Account and Cheese of the Month Club account.]
CA: A few of us have been talking...
B: Wait - is this an intervention?
CA: The important thing to remember is that we all really care about you and we want you to get better.
Credit Rating: You've done nothing but make me look worthless to the outside world. It's embarrassing.
Savings Account: I'm feeling neglected. You haven't put anything inside me for years. What kind of a relationship is that?
B: Et tu, Cheese of the Month Club?
[Cheese of the Month Club simply looks away in shame.]
CA: It's time for a change, Brendan. You're almost 30 years old. It's time to stop paying so much attention to booze, fast food and cheap women and start taking care of the ones that take care of you back... us.
B: You're right. I know you're right. I just... I just love booze, fast food and cheap women so much.
Credit Rating: They are pretty great.
CA: You're not helping, Credit Rating.
B: You guys are right. I'm going to change my ways. It's time for a new, fiscally responsible Brendan. I'm going to do it! I'm... wait - what's this in the mail?
[Brendan opens an envelope and a new Credit Card pops out.]
Credit Card: You're pre-approved! 0% APR for the first year! I'll solve everything! Spend spend spend!
B: That sounds awesome! Fiscal responsibility? Ha! I'll see you squares later!
[Brendan jumps on the Credit Card and flies away to continue his irresponsible life of debauchery.]
CA: Nooooooooooo!
22 Comments:
but if the women are cheap, doesn't that mean you're being fiscally responsible?
I agree with Mary, you're not giving yourself enough credit...
Good.
They're only cheap morally. Fiscally, they're very expensive.
This would have made an excellent podcast fairytale.
I recently stopped by the bank to get my debit card replaced. The nice girl behind the counter (who, on an entirely irrelevant note, was smokin' hot) asked what accounts I had with them, and I confidently told her checking and savings. She looked at her computer for some time, eyebrows furrowed, spiritedly pressing keys, looking somewhat confounded. "You don't have a savings account here."
"Yes, I do. I'm sure of it."
"Well, this rarely happens, but if there was no activity in that account for five years, it may have been automatically shut down."
"That does sound like me."
hee hee! good times. i'm glad i'm not the only one.
one of my credit cards gives me a full end-of-year report detailing everything i've charged in 12 months and it's downright appalling to see where all the loot goes. i've been studying my booze consumption over the last couple of years and um... the data is not very encouraging, to say the least.
If I remember the breakdown goes something like this...
Entertainment (Sports/concert tickets, CDs): $1722
Travel: $2,075
Bars and Restaurants: $4,850 (I wish I was making this up)
Healthy, Productive Things (Gym memberships, Vegetables): $12
B: Et tu, Cheese of the Month Club?
[Cheese of the Month Club simply looks away in shame.]
Brilliant.
I blew over $1500 on clubs when I took up golf last year. I've been golfing maybe fifteen times since. Most money I've spent on something that made me want to kill myself (excluding women) in my entire life.
Any other stories of fiscal stupidity?
I just spent $234 on a motor for my windshield wipers.
I logistically cannot make this seem like it was a good move.
The Rain-X is working just fine.
Other than that, I have a routine arguement with the gas pump due to the fact that it's sick of seeing me so often. This problem will be solved greatly tomorrow when I no longer have to drive to classes.
Wait til you have a house and a baby. I'm by no means fiscally irresponsible, but I did let the landscaper talk me into a $1500 automatic sprinkler system for our 2"x4" back yard. The baby needs grass to run on, dammit!
Wait til you have a house and a baby.
I don't know who'd be crazier - a bank that would give me a mortgage or a woman that would give me a baby.
Who needs a baby when you can play with mine for free? Plus, he's way smarter and cuter than your future baby.
My future baby is part cyborg and can shoot lasers from his junk.
a woman that would give me a baby.
My future baby is part cyborg and can shoot lasers from his junk.
What the hell kind of woman do you plan on knocking up? That baby is obviously not getting those genes from you.
How do you know? Have you seen my junk?
"My future baby is part cyborg and can shoot lasers from his junk."
Yet another potential million-selling t-shirt phrase...
"I blew over $1500 on clubs when I took up golf last year."
It took me a full thirty seconds to realize that Mr. G. C. was referring to GOLF clubs here. It instantly translated to "Montreal strip clubs" in my brain.
I might be an official expert on cyborgs by tomorrow afternoon. Wait and see. Wish me luck.
(Master's defense)
Your Masters is in cyborg genitals?
Though my specialty is not THAT narrow, I would feel comfortable making some cyborg-genital specific comments.
How do you know? Have you seen my junk?
I just know. You'd be using it to your advantage, I would imagine.
And sweet christ, no.
Hey, that whole $6.12 thing sounds like a lot of conversations I've had with my checking account! Luckily for me, though, my current job is "calling Daddy."
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