You may have noticed that Scamper has a show on Saturday up in North Haven, Maine (State motto: "37 Days Without A Moose-Related Political Assassination") and I haven't been pimping all that hard as is my usual wont. There are a few very good reasons for this: a) it's on some island somewhere and I know that none of you are going to be there and b) I'm s-s-scared.
Now, Nate Diggity has been suspiciously non-forthcoming with the details of this gig but from what I've gleaned so far, getting to this island requires a ferry. And after the gig, the next ferry off the island isn't until the morning. So quite literally, I'll be stuck on an island with Scamper overnight. And if that's not a recipe for a horror movie-style bludgeoning, I don't know what is. I repeat... I'm s-s-scared. I may be paranoid, but here's how I see the whole thing playing out:
[On a deserted island, Scamper sits around the campfire, enjoying some post-show relaxation. Nate blows on a harmonica while Mike toasts marshmallows. Keith writes furiously on a piece of paper while Brendan shivers.]
Nate: You okay, Brendan?
Brendan: I'm s-s-scared.
Nate: Yes, Brendan - we know you're scared. You said it between every song tonight.
Mike: He actually got more laughs than usual, though.
Nate: What are you writing, Keith?
Keith: I'm sorry, but during the sand bag challenge, you just didn't carry your weight. I vote for...
[Keith holds up a piece of paper that says "MIKE."]
Nate: Um... Keith, this isn't Survivor. You don't get to vote anyone off.
Keith: Sure, you're all cocky now that you won the immunity challenge and you're wearing your immunity pants. The tribe has spoken.
Mike: What tribe?
Nate: These aren't immunity pants. They're just pants.
Keith: The tribe has spoken!
Brendan: Stop yelling! You're s-s-scaring me.
[There's a rustling in a nearby bush.]
Mike: What's that?
Nate: I don't know. Probably a bear or something.
Mike: And that doesn't scare you?
Nate: Nah. I'm wearing my immunity pants.
Mike: But Nate - immunity pants aren't real!
Nate: (dramatic pause) Nooooooooo!
[From out of the bushes springs the scariest monster of all - Anonymous Internet Douchebag, Sr. (AIDS).]
AIDS: You guys suck SOOOO much. Your music is really bad. No label would ever give a first thought to you. PLEASE! quit playing. Your formula is extremely flawed. Married, angry guitarist, annoying bassist etc...time to get "real world". Brendan, the suck blog is a clue to get focused and move on.
Nate: He's... breaking... our... spirit...
Brendan: I'm s-s-scared.
AIDS: you are a fucking idiot. and before you post a wiseass reply, let me say that your lead singer is married so you are all going nowhere. touring is not an opiton and therefore, stick with school.
Mike: He's so right. Everything he says is right on the money.
Nate: And the spelling and grammar are impeccable. Clearly he's going to outsmart us all.
AIDS: Your band is really bad. A reminder is always helpful. Also, when are you guys inevitably breaking up?
Mike: His powerful logic is too much for us. What can we do to fight him?
Nate: Nothing. We really shouldn't go on living.
Keith: The tribe truly has spoken.
[Scamper joins hands and jumps off a cliff to their inevitable death, much to the cheers and happiness of local Boston music community.]
Yup, that's pretty much how I see it going down.
Now, Nate Diggity has been suspiciously non-forthcoming with the details of this gig but from what I've gleaned so far, getting to this island requires a ferry. And after the gig, the next ferry off the island isn't until the morning. So quite literally, I'll be stuck on an island with Scamper overnight. And if that's not a recipe for a horror movie-style bludgeoning, I don't know what is. I repeat... I'm s-s-scared. I may be paranoid, but here's how I see the whole thing playing out:
[On a deserted island, Scamper sits around the campfire, enjoying some post-show relaxation. Nate blows on a harmonica while Mike toasts marshmallows. Keith writes furiously on a piece of paper while Brendan shivers.]
Nate: You okay, Brendan?
Brendan: I'm s-s-scared.
Nate: Yes, Brendan - we know you're scared. You said it between every song tonight.
Mike: He actually got more laughs than usual, though.
Nate: What are you writing, Keith?
Keith: I'm sorry, but during the sand bag challenge, you just didn't carry your weight. I vote for...
[Keith holds up a piece of paper that says "MIKE."]
Nate: Um... Keith, this isn't Survivor. You don't get to vote anyone off.
Keith: Sure, you're all cocky now that you won the immunity challenge and you're wearing your immunity pants. The tribe has spoken.
Mike: What tribe?
Nate: These aren't immunity pants. They're just pants.
Keith: The tribe has spoken!
Brendan: Stop yelling! You're s-s-scaring me.
[There's a rustling in a nearby bush.]
Mike: What's that?
Nate: I don't know. Probably a bear or something.
Mike: And that doesn't scare you?
Nate: Nah. I'm wearing my immunity pants.
Mike: But Nate - immunity pants aren't real!
Nate: (dramatic pause) Nooooooooo!
[From out of the bushes springs the scariest monster of all - Anonymous Internet Douchebag, Sr. (AIDS).]
AIDS: You guys suck SOOOO much. Your music is really bad. No label would ever give a first thought to you. PLEASE! quit playing. Your formula is extremely flawed. Married, angry guitarist, annoying bassist etc...time to get "real world". Brendan, the suck blog is a clue to get focused and move on.
Nate: He's... breaking... our... spirit...
Brendan: I'm s-s-scared.
AIDS: you are a fucking idiot. and before you post a wiseass reply, let me say that your lead singer is married so you are all going nowhere. touring is not an opiton and therefore, stick with school.
Mike: He's so right. Everything he says is right on the money.
Nate: And the spelling and grammar are impeccable. Clearly he's going to outsmart us all.
AIDS: Your band is really bad. A reminder is always helpful. Also, when are you guys inevitably breaking up?
Mike: His powerful logic is too much for us. What can we do to fight him?
Nate: Nothing. We really shouldn't go on living.
Keith: The tribe truly has spoken.
[Scamper joins hands and jumps off a cliff to their inevitable death, much to the cheers and happiness of local Boston music community.]
Yup, that's pretty much how I see it going down.
48 Comments:
see now THAT was funny.
I am honored.
I am honored.
It's the least I can do with all the joy you've been giving me lately, AIDS.
I think AIDS is a girl. What guy would have this much problem with Keith being married?
Funny stuff.
Alena, I thought at first it was you posing as a dumb guy just to make me laugh. But the truth has turned out to be much much funnier.
I'm still not convinced it's someone smart just writing like that to throw me off the trail
I hate your sucking!
Sorry, that was me. Just trying to get through this conference call.
You're quite the impressionist, Vinny. A regular Fred Travalena.
you are so stupid, you think you funny, but nobody is laughing. go back to school, you moron. stop writing. stop singing. your music sucks. nobody is gonna sign you ever, your singer is married, he's on a leesh. so stop pretending you are a real band.
You no funny! I no like verbs! Gurgle!
That's it - I'm making an executive decision. AIDS is the official MVP of this journal.
That's just stellar work, AIDS. My smile is ear to ear.
I've heard all four of the band members are actually on leeshes during rehearsals. Kind of an S&M thing to help them forget how bad they are (as musicians and people). And they have a gimp.
Leeshes for everyone. Hooray
Uh oh - Filthy Panda is making a run at the MVP award. Can you handle the competition, AIDS?
What the hell's a "leesh"?
I think it's the way really smart people spell "leash." Either that or it's a fish of some kind.
Why do you think our marriage works so well? It's the leesh!
You are dumb. Why no quit before you get married again! All you do is play stupid pop music for 30 year olds and steal booking from the avalanche of enormously mediocre young bands in town! Seriously! Think of all those crappy, talentless, depressingly derivative AWFUL AWFUL bands that I spend hours talking about on the Noise Board between bouts of furious sex with my sofa cushions! They need booking! You just need babies and penis medicine! Why no you go to Iraq and wait in a fucking line in public or something! I want pie!
And... we're officially off the rails. Nice.
Why no quit before you get married again!
What the hell does this even mean?
Shh, I'm working an angle here...
We're approaching my one year anniversary of being a Scamper fan. Today's journal reminds me of why being a Scamper fan is so great.
Everyone needs a little AIDS to get them through the day.
Sounds like a great T-shirt idea.
Wait. The singer's married?
THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!!
The comment section deteriorated quickly this afternoon. Also, AIDS athough you are highly entertaining your material is getting tired. What else do you got?
The comment section deteriorated quickly this afternoon.
I disagree - I think things are just starting to get good.
I hope AIDS never ever leaves us. I wuv him.
Wait. The singer's married?
THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!!
I know! How does he even play with that ring on his hand?
I demand all my entertainment come from single people. Yeah, that makes sense.
Um, how about...
You should quit! What kind of asshole would want to be in a band that probably won't be signed? Wasting your time playing music for audiences that smile and have a good time watching you! Geigh! There is no point in being in a band unless you can turn it into a fulltime job! Every piece of crap that hangs out at Great Scott and works some shitty, go-nowhere day job with an entitled look on their face knows that like bible truth! Go back to skool!
what else I got? i got a life. something you scamper guys and all three of your fans don't. even your fans are stupid. they have to be to like your shitty music. your singer is the dumbest one, so pussy whipped.
This guy is a like a gift from heaven.
It has to be someone playing a prank and writing as a "stupid guy," right? No one can actually be this stupid, right?
Yes, this is quite a life you've made for yourself. Keep on being you, AIDS!
I've got it. This has to be Keith. He's the only one clever enough to pull something like this off.
Reveal thyself, Daddy.
you are so high on yourself. you actually think you are funny. i cant believe you think your music is good. even you cant be that stupid.
when did brendo ever say their music was good?
That's very true, anonymous. I can't stand Scamper music. Seriously.
I've never actually heard a Scamper song. Are you guys any good?
I've never actually heard a Scamper song. Are you guys any good?
We were okay until Keith got married. Then, we went all experimental and artsy. I warned Keith that he shouldn't have married Yoko Ono, but did he listen?
I see pictures of you guys wearing funny-looking suits. Are those wedding suits? Will I have to wear those if I get married? Also, what are the tax implications of being a married lead singer?
Reveal thyself, Daddy.
While it is true that I just got back from a vacation that started roughly around the same time that ScamperBlows first emerged, and furthermore Brendan has never seen ScamperBlows and myself in the same room together, I can say with some certainty that he/she is not I.
Aids, do not kid yourself that you have more of a life than Scamper or the three bloggers. If you had a life you would not have started posting angry comments for entertainment. Your defiance is making me so hot right now.
This one has surpassed the previous South Park vs. Family Guy thread. Congratulations, aids.
Brendan still sucks.
Well, I sure stirred up quite a frenzy in my absence. Nice to see. Keith, welcome back from "vacation", I'm sure that was appreciated by all of your bandmates. See fellas, he's married, he has RESPONSIBILITIES beyond playing a retard center in Buttfuck, Maine. Nate wants it, but can't have it. Brendan and Mike, well, whatever really. They are just glad to have "friends". It is all coming to an end. Wonderful. Well, see you all tomorrow. Fags.
p.s. and it's spelled leAsh, with an A. morons.
Well, it seems that I have caused quit a stir in my absence. Nice to see. Keith, welcome back from your vacation. I am sure the band appreciated your absence. You see guys, he has RESPONSIBILITIES that lie beyond playing some retard center in Buttfuck, Maine. I sure as hell don't blame him, because the end is near. Wonderful. Have a great evening and don't worry, you will all hear from me tomorrow. (also, Brendan erased my first post) Fag.
p.s. it's leAsh, not leEsh, you fucking morons.
despite the double posting, which only conveys that i hate your music twice as much as every human in the world, i have to admit that barcelona really sucks big balls.
Ok Ok. I need to clarify a few things here. The first post is mine, the second is a late night Scamper douchefan (nice try Nate or Mike or Brendan-I know Keith is sleeping b/c of the baby), and the third is likely the douches post as well.
But ANYWAY. Scamper does suck and, with thanks to me, this blog is probably the most popular blog Scamper (and Brendan) has ever had. Too bad they (or he) can't enjoy it because my ripping makes them (him) sad.
"p.s. it's leAsh, not leEsh, you fucking morons"
Oh sweet, sweet irony. It's YOU who first spelled it "leesh". From that point on it was mere mockery.
fucking moron. it was someone who desperately wanted to be me and couldn't pull it off because they are grammatically retarded. sweet sweet irony...FAG!!!
You are a fucking moron. Not only do you lack reading comprehension, but you think the spelling of leash is a grammatical error. Did you fail fourth grade English?
You are the fucking moron. We already established that you lacked basic reading comprehension skills, but you also think that the spelling of leash is a grammatical error. It is a spelling area moron. Did you fail 4th grade English?
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