Happy Friday, compatriots. The first week of Brendo Birthday Month has gone just swimmingly so far. I haven't had a night where I wasn't either cooked a meal or boughten (not a real word, but it's my birthday month, jagoffs) a drink. And I deserve it - I'm a pretty pretty girl.
The trend promises to continue this weekend, although I'm taking a break from the selfish pursuit of alcohol and adulation by celebrating the birthday of the Moms on Sunday. To celebrate the occasion, we're all swinging by the Bro's and Sis-in-Law's place for... wait for it... lobsters.
God goshy Milwaukee. Lobsters. There is nothing in this world I like more in my mouth than lobsters. Sometimes I like to play the "What would I like more than a lobster right now?" game. In my whole life, I've come up with nothing. I don't desire a single thing, concept or idea more than I desire lobster. Not world peace, not the devoted love of a good woman, not a sloppy blowjob from Hillary Swank - nothing. I have yet to come up with a scenario in which lobster is the less appealing option.
My favorite lobster story (which I may have told before on this space, but it's my birthday month so fuck you) was in high school when I stopped by my good friend David's house to find he and his mother finishing a lobster dinner. There was lobster left over - an unheard-of occurence in the Boogie household. I couldn't believe it - there was just lobster, sitting there in the fridge with no one eating it. It ate at my soul all night. I couldn't sleep. There was lobster uneaten. It felt wrong all the way to my very core.
The next day, I went over to his house to commence begging. When I arrived at the house, no one was home... but the kitchen door was open. Without even hesitating for a moment, I walked into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator and devoured the lobster. When I saw David the next day at school, I walked up to him and told him point blank: "David, I went to your house and ate the lobster out of your refrigerator."
He was understandably shocked. "You did what?"
"That's right, I did it," I continued, "And if that means the end of our friendship, I'll accept those consequences. But I'd do it again. Lobster is more important than friendship."
Luckily, David forgave my weakness and we're still friends to this day. But rest assured - many of you readers are close friends, some of with whom I've grown up (eat that sentence construction, Diggity). But really - I love many of you very much. But if ANY one of you stood between me and a lobster, I swear to what you call God I will straight-up murder each and every one of you without a pang of conscience.
Have a great weekend everyone! Fa!
The trend promises to continue this weekend, although I'm taking a break from the selfish pursuit of alcohol and adulation by celebrating the birthday of the Moms on Sunday. To celebrate the occasion, we're all swinging by the Bro's and Sis-in-Law's place for... wait for it... lobsters.
God goshy Milwaukee. Lobsters. There is nothing in this world I like more in my mouth than lobsters. Sometimes I like to play the "What would I like more than a lobster right now?" game. In my whole life, I've come up with nothing. I don't desire a single thing, concept or idea more than I desire lobster. Not world peace, not the devoted love of a good woman, not a sloppy blowjob from Hillary Swank - nothing. I have yet to come up with a scenario in which lobster is the less appealing option.
My favorite lobster story (which I may have told before on this space, but it's my birthday month so fuck you) was in high school when I stopped by my good friend David's house to find he and his mother finishing a lobster dinner. There was lobster left over - an unheard-of occurence in the Boogie household. I couldn't believe it - there was just lobster, sitting there in the fridge with no one eating it. It ate at my soul all night. I couldn't sleep. There was lobster uneaten. It felt wrong all the way to my very core.
The next day, I went over to his house to commence begging. When I arrived at the house, no one was home... but the kitchen door was open. Without even hesitating for a moment, I walked into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator and devoured the lobster. When I saw David the next day at school, I walked up to him and told him point blank: "David, I went to your house and ate the lobster out of your refrigerator."
He was understandably shocked. "You did what?"
"That's right, I did it," I continued, "And if that means the end of our friendship, I'll accept those consequences. But I'd do it again. Lobster is more important than friendship."
Luckily, David forgave my weakness and we're still friends to this day. But rest assured - many of you readers are close friends, some of with whom I've grown up (eat that sentence construction, Diggity). But really - I love many of you very much. But if ANY one of you stood between me and a lobster, I swear to what you call God I will straight-up murder each and every one of you without a pang of conscience.
Have a great weekend everyone! Fa!
11 Comments:
...some of with whom I've grown up (eat that sentence construction, Diggity).
That's fucking awful. Why not go all out with some of up with whom I've grown?
...to find he and his mother finishing a lobster dinner.
To find him. Not he.
...but it's my birthday month so fuck you)
Awesome.
But if ANY one of you stood between me and a lobster, I swear to what you call God I will straight-up murder each and every one of you without a pang of conscience.
I feel the same way about everything and you.
I liked Mike's birthday better.
I liked Mike's birthday better.
That's just because a member of Harris borrowed your camera to take a photo of his balls. How am I supposed to compete with that?
I sure like being violated.
this is the finest homage to lobster i've ever read, and i agree with every word.
Uhm... I'm now completely fixated on the idea that Hillary Swank might be a performer of the sloppy blowjob.
Well done, sir.
Brendo, if you're not going to use that Hillary Swank BJ, then I think I know someone who would appreciate it.
Let me know.
Hillary Swank was at her best when she was dating Steve Sanders.
Definitely! Her two Oscars are nothing compared to her stint on 90210.
What about her starring role as "the next karate kid"?
Also, I see the love of lobster has stepped up (or down) from "the Kirsten Dunst's vagina of food" to something along the lines of "Lobster Dinner > Sloppy BJ from Hilary Swank". Fascinating.
I have to say. I think Mike's birthday was better so far as well.
Had you NOT discussed penis while I was trying to eat a hot dog, it may have been bumped, but no.
Post a Comment
<< Home