My apologies for the unexpected sabbatical yesterday, my little corn muffins. Much to my ever-loving chagrin, the real world beckoned my undivided attention for a day. Stupid day jobs, always cramping up my mojito. Let's burn this motherfucker down! Who's with me?

I'm also sorry to keep you in suspense over the unexpectedly super-long weekend: the winner of the Lego Statue of Liberty contest in a no-contest 8-1 rout is our favorite talented little guy - Nate Diggity! With his subpar statue-building performance, it should be obvious to us all that Keith hates us for our freedoms.

It's good to read that in my absence, so many of you are willing to step up and be replacement Brendos over on the message board. I don't know why I even bother showing up in the morning some days - you guys can just as easily jot down a few over-claused sentences with unnecessary dashes, a dick joke here and there and bam! I'm obsolete. Which gives me an idea...

The Statue of Liberty contest was so wildly popular and revenue-generating for the Scamper Corporation that the board of directors has decreed: let's have another contest! Fa! That's right, it's time for the first semi-biannual Write Like Brendo Contest. Foo!

Here's how it will go: I will give you a subject about which you write one Brendo-like sentence (which you email privately to me at brendan@scamper.net with the subject line "Sentence Contest."). I will post all the sentences in this space, including one of my own. The ghost Brendo writer who fools the most readers into thinking it's me wins a special prize that I haven't thought of yet.

Okay, get your pencils ready because here's the subject: the band Phish. (Come on - you knew there was going to be hippies involved. That one was a no brainer.)

So get your Brendo sentences in and we'll have the Write Like Brendo Contest in this space very soon. Unless no one steps up to the plate. Then, we'll forget this whole thing ever happened! Yeah!