I've got some slightly sad news for you this morning, democracy lovers: it looks like we didn't receive enough online votes to advance in the WFNX Last Band Standing competition. We in the band are utterly crestfallen about the whole thing, as now we won't have the opportunity to win whatever was the valuable prize of this, our 367th straight contest loss.
There's more than enough blame to spread around on this particular public and embarrassing failure. Perhaps the band's obsession with the new pumpkin-flavored pixie sticks has distracted us from doing the necessary groundwork to create the public support needed to compete in this contest. For that, we take full responsibility for a moment and then quickly shift to the blame game.
For instance - what about WFNX's role in this whole thing? Aren't all good contests fixed? What - now you're above rigging a contest to help out your local rock heroes who have done so much for you? We allow you to play our song "Barcelona," thus increasing how much you get to charge in advertising air time, don't we? And what about the time Scamper used our spaceship's tractor beam to rescue you from getting dragged into that black hole during the Great Zablax Conflict of 3429? What's next - are you going to pretend that all alternative rock stations don't have intergalactic time machines now?
And then of course there are the real culprits - you. Our so-called "fans." What - you couldn't put down your Thanksgiving turkey thighs and your Kwanzaa hedge clippers for a minute to vote for us? No, you were too busy with your "jobs" and your "children" and your "sudoku puzzles" and your "knitting hangman's nooses out of a dead Cape Verdean's pubes" and your "making diaramas out of Us Weekly clippings featuring a creepy scene of an unholy polygamous marriage between you and the cast of Desperate Housewives." Really, you've become such a cliche.
Actually, that's why we brought you here today. This isn't actually a journal entry - it's an intervention. Look, we in Scamper really care about you and we've been concerned about some recent changes in your behavior, so we decided to get together and confront you. This isn't easy for any of us, so I'm going to just come out and say it: you're not spending enough time on Scamper.
According to recent studies done by the Scamper Foundation, a healthy well-adjusted person spends 75-80% of her day on Scamper and Scamper-related activities, including sitting and quietly thinking about Scamper, buying Scamper products, telling her friends about how awesome Scamper is and most importantly voting in at least one of the several dozen online contests in which Scamper competes every day. You're just not fulfilling your end of the bargain. We love you very much, but we hate your behavior. It's got to stop.
We have made arrangements for you to get on a plane right now and go to our luxurious Scamprehab resort in Phoenix. It's not a prison, but a spiritual reawakening center. For 28 days, you will spend 12-15 hours a day getting reacquainted with your inner Scamper fan while helping to produce low-cost t-shirts and coffee mugs for your fellow Scamper fans to purchase.
This is your big opportunity. It's the right thing to do. What do you say? Will you get on that plane?
Stay tuned for scenes from next week's episode of the hot new reality show Scampervention.
There's more than enough blame to spread around on this particular public and embarrassing failure. Perhaps the band's obsession with the new pumpkin-flavored pixie sticks has distracted us from doing the necessary groundwork to create the public support needed to compete in this contest. For that, we take full responsibility for a moment and then quickly shift to the blame game.
For instance - what about WFNX's role in this whole thing? Aren't all good contests fixed? What - now you're above rigging a contest to help out your local rock heroes who have done so much for you? We allow you to play our song "Barcelona," thus increasing how much you get to charge in advertising air time, don't we? And what about the time Scamper used our spaceship's tractor beam to rescue you from getting dragged into that black hole during the Great Zablax Conflict of 3429? What's next - are you going to pretend that all alternative rock stations don't have intergalactic time machines now?
And then of course there are the real culprits - you. Our so-called "fans." What - you couldn't put down your Thanksgiving turkey thighs and your Kwanzaa hedge clippers for a minute to vote for us? No, you were too busy with your "jobs" and your "children" and your "sudoku puzzles" and your "knitting hangman's nooses out of a dead Cape Verdean's pubes" and your "making diaramas out of Us Weekly clippings featuring a creepy scene of an unholy polygamous marriage between you and the cast of Desperate Housewives." Really, you've become such a cliche.
Actually, that's why we brought you here today. This isn't actually a journal entry - it's an intervention. Look, we in Scamper really care about you and we've been concerned about some recent changes in your behavior, so we decided to get together and confront you. This isn't easy for any of us, so I'm going to just come out and say it: you're not spending enough time on Scamper.
According to recent studies done by the Scamper Foundation, a healthy well-adjusted person spends 75-80% of her day on Scamper and Scamper-related activities, including sitting and quietly thinking about Scamper, buying Scamper products, telling her friends about how awesome Scamper is and most importantly voting in at least one of the several dozen online contests in which Scamper competes every day. You're just not fulfilling your end of the bargain. We love you very much, but we hate your behavior. It's got to stop.
We have made arrangements for you to get on a plane right now and go to our luxurious Scamprehab resort in Phoenix. It's not a prison, but a spiritual reawakening center. For 28 days, you will spend 12-15 hours a day getting reacquainted with your inner Scamper fan while helping to produce low-cost t-shirts and coffee mugs for your fellow Scamper fans to purchase.
This is your big opportunity. It's the right thing to do. What do you say? Will you get on that plane?
Stay tuned for scenes from next week's episode of the hot new reality show Scampervention.
6 Comments:
Brendo Brendo Brendooooooooooo
...sets you str8!
That post had too many words.
I think this entry deserves induction to the Journal HOF.
It's that section listed at the left that you never look at.
It has been sadly underfunded for the last year due to rampant confloption of the induction committee. But I hereby nominate this entry.
It's true. I only voted for Scamper a measly one time.
I blame the communists. And eggnog.
---==> C-to-the-obal
I think this entry deserves induction to the Journal HOF.
On behalf of Brendan, I accept your nomination.
Sincerely,
Mark McGwire
hey guys...I voted for you every day!.....remember, "it's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game!"
Scamper Dad
Post a Comment
<< Home