Happy New Year, my hungover little revelers. I hope jolly ol' St. Nick brought you all the materialistic gifts your money-grubbing fingers could unwrap and that Rollins the New Year's Panda brought you all the attractive herpes-free make-out partners to shove their pink naked tongues into your salivating mouths at midnight.
As for me, I made a few new year's resolutions. Want to hear them? Of course you do:
- In 2007, I will finally go see a specialist and do something about my long-time problem of attention deficit dis... hey, look - boobies! Over there! On the internet! Wait - what was I talking about? Oh, right - I really like Cocoa Puffs.
- In 2007, I will track down and shake the hand of the man or woman who invented Cocoa Puffs. Seriously - who doesn't like Cocoa Puffs? They taste wicked good.
- In 2007, I will convince my band to quit all this "radio-friendly power pop" shit and dedicate our time to performing a series of high society jewel heists which result in many hilarious comedies of errors in which I get mistaken for the high poobah of Lichtenstein while Keith get sent to prison to do hard time with a certain Mr. Gene Wilder. I'm thinking Michael Winslow could play one of the fellow inmates who keeps fooling the warden with his hilarious sound effects. Also, Keith gets raped in the butt. A lot.
- In 2007, I will spend more time learning about America's true national treasures: our celebrities. I have been terribly lackluster about keeping up with who's dating whom. Also, I have no working opinion about the state of TomKat's baby, Brangelina's latest lovemaking session or the love child of Copperdill (from what I understand, it's the hot new romance between David Copperfield and Phyllis Diller).
- In 2007, I won't be taking any more of your shit. Seriously, I'm so sick of you.
How about it, troops? Anyone else have any new year's resolutions?
As for me, I made a few new year's resolutions. Want to hear them? Of course you do:
- In 2007, I will finally go see a specialist and do something about my long-time problem of attention deficit dis... hey, look - boobies! Over there! On the internet! Wait - what was I talking about? Oh, right - I really like Cocoa Puffs.
- In 2007, I will track down and shake the hand of the man or woman who invented Cocoa Puffs. Seriously - who doesn't like Cocoa Puffs? They taste wicked good.
- In 2007, I will convince my band to quit all this "radio-friendly power pop" shit and dedicate our time to performing a series of high society jewel heists which result in many hilarious comedies of errors in which I get mistaken for the high poobah of Lichtenstein while Keith get sent to prison to do hard time with a certain Mr. Gene Wilder. I'm thinking Michael Winslow could play one of the fellow inmates who keeps fooling the warden with his hilarious sound effects. Also, Keith gets raped in the butt. A lot.
- In 2007, I will spend more time learning about America's true national treasures: our celebrities. I have been terribly lackluster about keeping up with who's dating whom. Also, I have no working opinion about the state of TomKat's baby, Brangelina's latest lovemaking session or the love child of Copperdill (from what I understand, it's the hot new romance between David Copperfield and Phyllis Diller).
- In 2007, I won't be taking any more of your shit. Seriously, I'm so sick of you.
How about it, troops? Anyone else have any new year's resolutions?
2 Comments:
In 2007, blogger still sucks.
ooooo cereal references. what? u think you're in the cast of Clerks (Clerks 2, Even Clerkier)?
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