Sports fans, it's the most exciting time of year excluding of course the bi-annual Valvoline Presents the Scandanavian Multi-Phase Pube-Measuring Championships in March 2008 (the smart money this time around is on Sven "Deceptively Coily" Swissengaard): the NFL playoffs. It's time for some predictions. Take this shit to the bank, all you little Jimmy the Greeks and Jenny the GFEs.
Saturday:
AFC Wild Card game #1: Kansas City Chiefs at Indianapolis Colts
See, here we've got a match-up of two high powered offenses which means lots of scoring and very few bathroom breaks. But that's okay - you can hold it. Hold iiiiit! See? It's not that bad.
In this one, I'm going to say Colts quarterback Peyton Manning is going to go absolutely apeshit when he realizes that for the first time in the entire season, there was an entire 90-second commercial break during the second quarter without an ad featuring his smug balding horse face. Then, he's just going to start hucking it all around the place. I like that word - "hucking." I'm going to bring that one back into the regular rotation.
Prediction: Indianapolis: 412 - Kansas City: 373
NFC Wild Card game #1: Dallas Cowboys at Seattle Seahawks
On paper, I see the Cowboys as the superior team. But this is the NFL, people - the games aren't played on paper. They're played on a synthetic grass-like surface made of an amalgam of vulcanized rubber, the dreams of little crippled boys and shredded paper.
Now, Dallas has a lot of factors working against them: seeming chaos in the locker room, an untested rookie quarterback, an overrated jerk-ass of a head coach and of course a wide receiver who refuses to make a catch without having his agent negotiate with the ball mid-air. In other words, Dallas is due for a fall. My gut tells me it won't happen until next round, though.
Prediction: Dallas: 24 - Seattle: Pi
Sunday:
AFC Wild Card game #2: New York Jets at New England Patriots
Here's the one we've been looking forward to all week long. Bill Belichick vs. Eric Mangini. The teacher vs. the student. Obi Wan Kenobi vs. his lesser known wiseass little brother Abraham "Pizza Face" Kenobi. It's a grudge match.
The Jets are a good team, but not quite good enough. I think it's going to be a tough defensive struggle with Jets dreamy quarterback Chad Pennington throwing at least one critical interception to Asanti Samuel. The only way the Jets stand a chance is if the Patriots return to their Novemeber butterfingers form during which they were fumbling more than Fumbles O'Fumblehugh, lieutenant mayor of Fumbletown, Arkansas.
Now, a lot of sports pundits (I like to call them spundits) have been making the story about the deteriorated personal relationship between the two head coaches. Will Belichick and Mangini shake hands after the game? My prediction: they will not shake hands, but upon seeing each other, they will realize what true affection is between them and all will be forgiven. They will embrace in a macho man-hug, followed by a seemingly innocent peck on the cheek. Suddenly, a wave of passion will overtake their bodies and they'll drop to the turf, making rough but tender love to each other right there on the 50 yard line while a disgusted Phil Simms tries to remain professional in the commentary booth.
Rest assured, Pats fans - Mangini will be the bottom. (Go Pats)
Prediction: New England: 20 - New York: 14
NFC Wild Card game #2: New York Giants at Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles are arguably the hottest team in football right now with the reemergence of a balding but still surprisingly virile quarterback Jeff Garcia from off the scrap heap. On the other hand, the Giants have a few things going against them: 1) their coach is a tool, 2) their locker room is a fucking circus and 3) they're Vinny Shit on the Face's favorite team. This third factor will arguably be the most influential on the outcome of Sunday's game, as Vinny short-sightedly decided to use all his sports karma building that Yankee dynasty during the beginning of this decade. As a result of his hubris, his beloved Giants and his adored Knicks will NEVER win. NEVER!
Prediction: Philadelphia: 28 - New York: 12
Next week, we'll see how I did and also check in with an update from the master of ladder match, JDog.
Saturday:
AFC Wild Card game #1: Kansas City Chiefs at Indianapolis Colts
See, here we've got a match-up of two high powered offenses which means lots of scoring and very few bathroom breaks. But that's okay - you can hold it. Hold iiiiit! See? It's not that bad.
In this one, I'm going to say Colts quarterback Peyton Manning is going to go absolutely apeshit when he realizes that for the first time in the entire season, there was an entire 90-second commercial break during the second quarter without an ad featuring his smug balding horse face. Then, he's just going to start hucking it all around the place. I like that word - "hucking." I'm going to bring that one back into the regular rotation.
Prediction: Indianapolis: 412 - Kansas City: 373
NFC Wild Card game #1: Dallas Cowboys at Seattle Seahawks
On paper, I see the Cowboys as the superior team. But this is the NFL, people - the games aren't played on paper. They're played on a synthetic grass-like surface made of an amalgam of vulcanized rubber, the dreams of little crippled boys and shredded paper.
Now, Dallas has a lot of factors working against them: seeming chaos in the locker room, an untested rookie quarterback, an overrated jerk-ass of a head coach and of course a wide receiver who refuses to make a catch without having his agent negotiate with the ball mid-air. In other words, Dallas is due for a fall. My gut tells me it won't happen until next round, though.
Prediction: Dallas: 24 - Seattle: Pi
Sunday:
AFC Wild Card game #2: New York Jets at New England Patriots
Here's the one we've been looking forward to all week long. Bill Belichick vs. Eric Mangini. The teacher vs. the student. Obi Wan Kenobi vs. his lesser known wiseass little brother Abraham "Pizza Face" Kenobi. It's a grudge match.
The Jets are a good team, but not quite good enough. I think it's going to be a tough defensive struggle with Jets dreamy quarterback Chad Pennington throwing at least one critical interception to Asanti Samuel. The only way the Jets stand a chance is if the Patriots return to their Novemeber butterfingers form during which they were fumbling more than Fumbles O'Fumblehugh, lieutenant mayor of Fumbletown, Arkansas.
Now, a lot of sports pundits (I like to call them spundits) have been making the story about the deteriorated personal relationship between the two head coaches. Will Belichick and Mangini shake hands after the game? My prediction: they will not shake hands, but upon seeing each other, they will realize what true affection is between them and all will be forgiven. They will embrace in a macho man-hug, followed by a seemingly innocent peck on the cheek. Suddenly, a wave of passion will overtake their bodies and they'll drop to the turf, making rough but tender love to each other right there on the 50 yard line while a disgusted Phil Simms tries to remain professional in the commentary booth.
Rest assured, Pats fans - Mangini will be the bottom. (Go Pats)
Prediction: New England: 20 - New York: 14
NFC Wild Card game #2: New York Giants at Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles are arguably the hottest team in football right now with the reemergence of a balding but still surprisingly virile quarterback Jeff Garcia from off the scrap heap. On the other hand, the Giants have a few things going against them: 1) their coach is a tool, 2) their locker room is a fucking circus and 3) they're Vinny Shit on the Face's favorite team. This third factor will arguably be the most influential on the outcome of Sunday's game, as Vinny short-sightedly decided to use all his sports karma building that Yankee dynasty during the beginning of this decade. As a result of his hubris, his beloved Giants and his adored Knicks will NEVER win. NEVER!
Prediction: Philadelphia: 28 - New York: 12
Next week, we'll see how I did and also check in with an update from the master of ladder match, JDog.
6 Comments:
Wink
Booooooo!
And the only reason you have to see Manning on TV all the time is that Brady turns into a sad day at the Head Trauma Unit whenever he stars in a commercial. Did you see his Snickers' ad? That 'Welcome to MickDonal's can I take yoar oardah?' kid had more charisma, but then mental retardation and professional football are substantially similar.
And the only reason you have to see Manning on TV all the time is that Brady turns into a sad day at the Head Trauma Unit whenever he stars in a commercial. Did you see his Snickers' ad? That 'Welcome to MickDonal's can I take yoar oardah?' kid had more charisma, but then mental retardation and professional football are substantially similar.
See, now THAT's bringing your A game at playoff time. Why can't your Giants deliver in the clutch like you can, Vincenzo?
Speaking of questions - why is Isaiah Thomas still allowed to coach after basically ordering a hit on Carmelo "Sucker Slap" Anthony?
No idea, but there is DEFINITELY a Wayans' brothers script in there somewhere.
Speaking of questions - why is Isaiah Thomas still allowed to coach after basically ordering a hit on Carmelo "Sucker Slap" Anthony?
Because it's more damaging to the Knicks to keep him on the sideline.
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