It's time for a new feature on the ol' journal this morning: Things That I Just Don't Get. I'm not terribly bright. As a result, there quite a few things in this world of ours that I simply don't understand, so there's a very real possibility that this one's fixing to be a loooooong list. Let us begin at the beginning.
Here's what I just don't get: why isn't Bruce Campbell the biggest movie star ever ever ever?
Bruce Campbell is, in a word, awesome. After Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness came out, Hollywood executives should have beat down his door with piles of money, well-written scripts, and three-picture deals. But the fact that I had to hyperlink his name to his IMDB page speaks volumes. It's possible that many of my younger/dumber readers may not even know who Bruce Campbell is. And this, my justice-loving friends, is simply wrong. He should be at the top of the A-list. He should be the only movie star that matters. And yet, he's not. I just don't get it.
As proof, I present a list of movies in which Bruce Campbell would have been better than the actual star.
- Tango and Cash with Bruce Campbell in the Sylvester Stallone role cracking wise and blowing shit up with Kurt Russell. A kick-ass movie made even more kick-ass by the presence of Bruce Campbell? Oh, I think so.
- The Star Wars trilogy with Bruce Campbell as Han Solo. Blasphemy? Maybe so. But Bruce Campbell plays an excellent swashbuckler (as evidenced by his portrayal of the Daring Dragoon in the short-lived but excellent TV series Jack of All Trades). Harrison Ford? Overrated! Give me Campbell!
- The Morgan Freeman role in Driving Miss Daisy. Don't typecast Bruce Campbell just because he happens to be of Caucasian descent. God, you are so racist like that.
- Every Nicolas Cage movie. Use your imagination here and insert Bruce Campbell in every single role Cage has ever played. (I will accept arguments that Cage knocked Raising Arizona out of the park, but that's all!) Much better, right? And yes, I even include Leaving Las Vegas in that list. Imagine Bruce Campbell licking booze off Elisabeth Shue's tits. Now that's a sexy symbolic manifestation of the disease of alcoholism!
- It's ironic, but Bruce Almighty starring Bruce Campbell? I say absofrigginlutely. In fact, I'd replace him with Jim Carrey in everything except Dumb and Dumber and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. That's right - I'm suggesting Bruce Campbell is better than Jim Carrey. Deal with it.
But is Bruce Campbell the biggest star in Hollywood? No. He plays a bit part as the snooty usher in Spider-Man 2 and his biggest role of the past five years was playing Elvis in Bubba Ho-Tep. Why? I just don't get it.
Anyone want to help me out on this one?
Here's what I just don't get: why isn't Bruce Campbell the biggest movie star ever ever ever?
Bruce Campbell is, in a word, awesome. After Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness came out, Hollywood executives should have beat down his door with piles of money, well-written scripts, and three-picture deals. But the fact that I had to hyperlink his name to his IMDB page speaks volumes. It's possible that many of my younger/dumber readers may not even know who Bruce Campbell is. And this, my justice-loving friends, is simply wrong. He should be at the top of the A-list. He should be the only movie star that matters. And yet, he's not. I just don't get it.
As proof, I present a list of movies in which Bruce Campbell would have been better than the actual star.
- Tango and Cash with Bruce Campbell in the Sylvester Stallone role cracking wise and blowing shit up with Kurt Russell. A kick-ass movie made even more kick-ass by the presence of Bruce Campbell? Oh, I think so.
- The Star Wars trilogy with Bruce Campbell as Han Solo. Blasphemy? Maybe so. But Bruce Campbell plays an excellent swashbuckler (as evidenced by his portrayal of the Daring Dragoon in the short-lived but excellent TV series Jack of All Trades). Harrison Ford? Overrated! Give me Campbell!
- The Morgan Freeman role in Driving Miss Daisy. Don't typecast Bruce Campbell just because he happens to be of Caucasian descent. God, you are so racist like that.
- Every Nicolas Cage movie. Use your imagination here and insert Bruce Campbell in every single role Cage has ever played. (I will accept arguments that Cage knocked Raising Arizona out of the park, but that's all!) Much better, right? And yes, I even include Leaving Las Vegas in that list. Imagine Bruce Campbell licking booze off Elisabeth Shue's tits. Now that's a sexy symbolic manifestation of the disease of alcoholism!
- It's ironic, but Bruce Almighty starring Bruce Campbell? I say absofrigginlutely. In fact, I'd replace him with Jim Carrey in everything except Dumb and Dumber and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. That's right - I'm suggesting Bruce Campbell is better than Jim Carrey. Deal with it.
But is Bruce Campbell the biggest star in Hollywood? No. He plays a bit part as the snooty usher in Spider-Man 2 and his biggest role of the past five years was playing Elvis in Bubba Ho-Tep. Why? I just don't get it.
Anyone want to help me out on this one?
20 Comments:
It's about time you mentioned this, The Great and Confusing Injustice of Our Time! Can you even imagine, in all your most daring imaginings, Bruce Campbell in the Nic Cage role in Con Air? That would have been the funniest movie of the last fifteen years.
Replacing him in Nicholas Cage roles is a no brainer. Everyone knows Cage ruins pretty much everything. Just about anyone would be better.
An odd sidenote that I realized after clicking on his imdb profile:
I own "Waxwork II: Lost in Time". I have no idea why or where it came from, but it is most definitely in my VHS collection.
You can't say teh Campbell could've bettered Nic Cage in The Wicker Man after watching this: http://www.spiketv.com/index.html#rant/blrcm/st=1/cnt=1/id=159/t=blrcm
If you were going to cast Bruce Campbell in a buddy cop show with another celebrity named Bruce...which Bruce would you choose???
If you were going to cast Bruce Campbell in a buddy cop show with another celebrity named Bruce...which Bruce would you choose???
Bruce Villanch. Campbell is the uptight by-the-book cop and Villanch is the devil-may-care clown with unconventional tactics. But he gets results.
And fucks guys.
I'd like to see Bruce teamed up with Assy McGee.
I'd like to see Bruce teamed up with Assy McGee.
The great Mr. Campbell DOES make a voice appearance in the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie.
i would have to add Vampires Kiss to the list of non-suck-cage roles , in fact its one of my fav's but otherwise you are dead on.
The great Mr. Campbell DOES make a voice appearance in the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie
Just think of all the trouble that could've been avoided if Bruce had handled the marketing campaign for that movie in the Boston area instead of those little terrorists
I totally tried to make a hyperlink to Vampire's Kiss' IMDB page earlier. So I'm in agreeance.
Can we get some kind of reaction out of you, re: the bilingually insane comment on yesterday's post?
Can we get some kind of reaction out of you, re: the bilingually insane comment on yesterday's post?
I assume someone just cut and paste some spam. But I thought it was funny.
What about Bruce Campbell and Bruce Jenner in a buddy cop show?
I assume someone just cut and paste some spam. But I thought it was funny.
you are correct sir, it was in fact cut and pasted, unedited, from a REAL message (not spam) that i received on myspace yesterday.
from this guy:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=185945576
holy shit.
Ha - "Tracy Chapman make me crazy."
How about Bruce Campbell & Tracy Chapman in a remake of "Swordfish"?
How about Bruce Campbell & Tracy Chapman in a remake of "Swordfish"?
That depends - which one does the nude scene?
i'd like to see a remake of my dinner with andre featuring bruce campbell and crispin glover
I really can't be bothered with copying and pasting a link into a browser, so please make things easy for the lazy blog reader and make a hot hyperlink... Jerks!
That depends - which one does the nude scene?
Don't look now but TRACY CHAPMAN.
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