Apologies for my unannounced absence yesterday. Quite frankly, I was in shock from the unexpected and brutal shaving of Nate's sideburns.

If you didn't know about this shocking news, well... I'm glad you heard it from me. For three plus years, Nate's sideburns have been a constant fixture in our lives, giving us comfort when life seemed unbearable. When things were bad, Nate's sideburns were always there. I'm not going to lie - I've been hurt before. A lot of facial hair has let me down throughout the years. But never Nate's sideburns. They were old school like that.

Personally, I remember when I was literally in the gutter trying to sell a 1985 version of Battleship with missing pegs to support my horse habit. Who was it that found me, cleaned me up, and set me up with that interview for that job as personal shopper at Bloomingdale's? That's right - Nate's sideburns.

Nate's sideburns once single-burnedly stopped Elton John and Tim Rice from remaking The Godfather 2 as a Broadway musical. And who very recently orchestrated the Kevin Garnett trade to the Celtics? Nate's sideburns. And really... they were the funniest damn sideburns you ever met.

I'll miss you, Nate's sideburns. Perhaps now would be a good time to share some of those famous "Nate's sideburns stories" that have become legend in the bars of Clifton Park, New Orleans, and the parts of Thailand where the pedophiles go on illegal child sex tours.