I hate nature and everything in it.
Last night, I was driving home at about 11:30pm, trying to mentally shake off the rust-flavored dull that coats my psyche during the typical day. As I pulled around the corner of my suburban street, a medium-sized doe loped across the street in front of my vehicle at a pace a bit too casual for my liking. I slammed on the brakes and honked to spur her to get her little white ass in gear out of the way of my two tons of twisted plastic (I drive a Saturn) and sex appeal.
Thinking my brush with Bambi was over, I started up again only to have another doe leisurely trot in front of me. She seemed even lazier than the first one. I think I saw a bag of cool ranch Doritos and a forged welfare check lodged in her cloven hoof. This was one downright unmotivated deer.
I don't live out on the sticks, people. This is your typical suburban neighborhood. Isn't the wild kingdom supposed to be afraid of development and soccer moms in minivans? Why are they still hanging out on street corners like so many disinterested hoodlums, ready to jump out of the cover of darkness and frighten the bejaysus out of your boy?
Give me one legitimate reason we shouldn't declare deer genocide right now.
Last night, I was driving home at about 11:30pm, trying to mentally shake off the rust-flavored dull that coats my psyche during the typical day. As I pulled around the corner of my suburban street, a medium-sized doe loped across the street in front of my vehicle at a pace a bit too casual for my liking. I slammed on the brakes and honked to spur her to get her little white ass in gear out of the way of my two tons of twisted plastic (I drive a Saturn) and sex appeal.
Thinking my brush with Bambi was over, I started up again only to have another doe leisurely trot in front of me. She seemed even lazier than the first one. I think I saw a bag of cool ranch Doritos and a forged welfare check lodged in her cloven hoof. This was one downright unmotivated deer.
I don't live out on the sticks, people. This is your typical suburban neighborhood. Isn't the wild kingdom supposed to be afraid of development and soccer moms in minivans? Why are they still hanging out on street corners like so many disinterested hoodlums, ready to jump out of the cover of darkness and frighten the bejaysus out of your boy?
Give me one legitimate reason we shouldn't declare deer genocide right now.
8 Comments:
I feel your pain. I almost lost my life on 3A in Marshfield when a huge buck was charging at me. I made a decision to keep driving and the bastard bounced of the side of my car, broke my gas tank cover thingy and pranced into the woods. Jerks! Oh and my parents house cat chased a deer out of the yard once. It was awesome!
Tony and I almost crashed into a bear in Virginia this past summer.
If I had my choice of how I wanted to crumple my gay Scion and go all paraplegic, that would probably be it.
If I had my choice of how I wanted to crumple my gay Scion and go all paraplegic, that would probably be it.
Only because Donkey Kong is fictional, right?
we've hunted their predators to extinction and fragmented their habitat with suburban development causing their overpopulation problems, and you're pissed at them? evs...
crumple my gay Scion
I LOVE MY DEAD GAY SCION!
we've hunted their predators to extinction and fragmented their habitat with suburban development causing their overpopulation problems, and you're pissed at them? evs...
All the more reason for a merciful deer genocide.
I LOVE MY DEAD GAY SCION!
Oh, and EXCELLENT work, Anonymous.
You forgot the rule of thumb: where there is one deer, there are certainly more.
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