Okay, the Mitchell report came out yesterday afternoon and it was just a fanfuckingtastic day all around for your boy Brendo. If you know anything about me, you know there are three things I like: a cold Guinness, a warm cup of Bewley's tea, and a 24-hour news cycle of morally indignant outrage from cable TV and sports radio idiots. Mmmm... warms the cockles of my heart.
Look at all that the Mitchell report gave us:
- The false list. If you weren't trawling the internet like I was, you may have missed this preliminary "leaked" list which included, among others, perennial Red Sox favorite Jason Varitek. It turned out to be false, but resulted in no less that FIVE women calling/emailing me about how betrayed they felt. I've never seen such strong personal feelings projected on to complete stranger before. Someone needs to study this "Varitek is my secret ideal boyfriend/father figure" phenomenon.
- The jokes. Here were some of my favorites when the original fake list came out.
Tim McIntire: "Wouldn't it be funny if George Mitchell (ed: who sits on the board of directors of the Red Sox) just submitted a list of every player on the Yankees roster from 2000-2007. When people questioned him, he'd just throw up his hands and say 'What? What?'"
Keith Michel: "There's one name notably missing from that list. Don Orsillo."
Me: "Instead of Clay Hensley, I wish it were Clay Henry from the Subway commercials. He's a fireman and a Jared fan... and an illegal steroid user that should be banned from the Hall of Fame."
- The opportunity for me to espouse outrageous incendiary theories. How about this: if you're a player who didn't take steroids during the consequence-free steroid era, you a lazy do-nothing who doesn't care about winning for his teammates or his fans. I don't want you on my team.
Not only are you a bad teammate and player, but obviously you don't care about your wife and kids enough to go that extra mile to earn yourself a better contract. If you really think about it, what kind of an amoral scumbag wouldn't take steroids?
- The disappointments. Boy oh boy oh BOY, did I want Curt Schilling to be on that list. After all those years of holier-than-thou preaching at people and he turned out to be a cheater? Man, do I love exposed hypocrisy! But no - he has to be a man of word. Booo-ring.
- The idiots. This is taken verbatim from the comments of King Kaufman's column on Thursday on Salon. At this stage, we were still working from the "fake" list which included some true ones (Roger Clemens and Andy Pettite) and some false ones (Johnny Damon and Jason Varitek):
As a Yankees fan, let's first admit that while we enjoyed the wins he brought, we never liked roger clemens. he always was and always will be a Red Sox. a dirty f@#$ing cheating son of a bitch red sox.
secondly, f@#$ that hypocritical faux-christian cheating mother f@#$er andy pettite. really, just f@#$ him. i hated that he left because the yankees didn't kiss his ass enough and I have been ambivalent about his return.
Finally Giambi's just a sad sack piece of dumb shit.
as long as those are the only three yankees named (or at least only three big names named -- they can have all the jason grimsleys they want), I think I'm okay.
Key talking point will be and should be: George Mitchell is a member of the board of the Red Sox and therefore is completely unreliable. where's manny? where's ortiz? youklis? kapler? some of those guys have got to be dirty, but we won't hear it. no, but he'll go out of his way to sully the reputations of yankees based on the flimsiest of evidence and hearsay. of course they'll throw Damon under the bus, he's a Yankee now.
Fuck the NBA - I love THIS game.
Look at all that the Mitchell report gave us:
- The false list. If you weren't trawling the internet like I was, you may have missed this preliminary "leaked" list which included, among others, perennial Red Sox favorite Jason Varitek. It turned out to be false, but resulted in no less that FIVE women calling/emailing me about how betrayed they felt. I've never seen such strong personal feelings projected on to complete stranger before. Someone needs to study this "Varitek is my secret ideal boyfriend/father figure" phenomenon.
- The jokes. Here were some of my favorites when the original fake list came out.
Tim McIntire: "Wouldn't it be funny if George Mitchell (ed: who sits on the board of directors of the Red Sox) just submitted a list of every player on the Yankees roster from 2000-2007. When people questioned him, he'd just throw up his hands and say 'What? What?'"
Keith Michel: "There's one name notably missing from that list. Don Orsillo."
Me: "Instead of Clay Hensley, I wish it were Clay Henry from the Subway commercials. He's a fireman and a Jared fan... and an illegal steroid user that should be banned from the Hall of Fame."
- The opportunity for me to espouse outrageous incendiary theories. How about this: if you're a player who didn't take steroids during the consequence-free steroid era, you a lazy do-nothing who doesn't care about winning for his teammates or his fans. I don't want you on my team.
Not only are you a bad teammate and player, but obviously you don't care about your wife and kids enough to go that extra mile to earn yourself a better contract. If you really think about it, what kind of an amoral scumbag wouldn't take steroids?
- The disappointments. Boy oh boy oh BOY, did I want Curt Schilling to be on that list. After all those years of holier-than-thou preaching at people and he turned out to be a cheater? Man, do I love exposed hypocrisy! But no - he has to be a man of word. Booo-ring.
- The idiots. This is taken verbatim from the comments of King Kaufman's column on Thursday on Salon. At this stage, we were still working from the "fake" list which included some true ones (Roger Clemens and Andy Pettite) and some false ones (Johnny Damon and Jason Varitek):
As a Yankees fan, let's first admit that while we enjoyed the wins he brought, we never liked roger clemens. he always was and always will be a Red Sox. a dirty f@#$ing cheating son of a bitch red sox.
secondly, f@#$ that hypocritical faux-christian cheating mother f@#$er andy pettite. really, just f@#$ him. i hated that he left because the yankees didn't kiss his ass enough and I have been ambivalent about his return.
Finally Giambi's just a sad sack piece of dumb shit.
as long as those are the only three yankees named (or at least only three big names named -- they can have all the jason grimsleys they want), I think I'm okay.
Key talking point will be and should be: George Mitchell is a member of the board of the Red Sox and therefore is completely unreliable. where's manny? where's ortiz? youklis? kapler? some of those guys have got to be dirty, but we won't hear it. no, but he'll go out of his way to sully the reputations of yankees based on the flimsiest of evidence and hearsay. of course they'll throw Damon under the bus, he's a Yankee now.
Fuck the NBA - I love THIS game.
1 Comments:
I prefer the NFL's method of screaming 'We test!' at the top of their lungs. Meanwhile every OL in the league weighs 315lbs, runs a sub 4.6 forty, and can bench press 600lbs.
And it's hilarious that the Pats are accused of cheating for videotaping plays when 97% of their roster is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY WITHOUT ANY QUESTION WHATSOEVER TO ANYONE WHO HAS EVER SPENT FIVE MINUTES IN A GYM using performing enhancing drugs. Spare me.
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