Morning, kids. It's been years since I've watched the Oscars. I think I stopped when my satellite provider finally picked up the far-more-interesting "Watching Paint Dry" channel.
However, I understand that as your primary source for all things topical, I have a responsibility to comment on the events of the day. So back in 2003, I created this Oscar Night MacroTM on my computer. Now, all I have to do is fill in the relevant data and you idiots are none the wiser! Enjoy:
How about those Oscars last night, huh? Can you believe how anorexic [GROSS ACTRESS] looked in that gown? And what about all the plastic surgery work [OTHER GROSS ACTRESS] had done this year? If she closed her mouth too fast, her ear would spring off and slap her in the eye! Har har!
But on to the important business. I can't believe that [SHITTY STUNT ACTING PERFORMANCE] beat out [SLIGHTLY LESS SHITTY STUNT ACTING PERFORMANCE] this year. What an upset! And the Academy has their heads up their collective tucki if they can't recognize the brilliance of [SOME USELESS ASSHOLE ACTOR].
What a long show, huh? At least [HOST] was kind of funny, although I think the jokes about [SOME FAMOUS TRAINWRECK THAT IS PROBABLY NAMED BRITNEY] were a little too soon. It's good to know that [ARROGANT ACTOR WITH CLEARLY NO SENSE OF HUMOR ABOUT HIMSELF] seems to have a sense of humor about himself.
And how about that pre-show? That [RYAN SEACREST] sure is a homo, huh?
However, I understand that as your primary source for all things topical, I have a responsibility to comment on the events of the day. So back in 2003, I created this Oscar Night MacroTM on my computer. Now, all I have to do is fill in the relevant data and you idiots are none the wiser! Enjoy:
How about those Oscars last night, huh? Can you believe how anorexic [GROSS ACTRESS] looked in that gown? And what about all the plastic surgery work [OTHER GROSS ACTRESS] had done this year? If she closed her mouth too fast, her ear would spring off and slap her in the eye! Har har!
But on to the important business. I can't believe that [SHITTY STUNT ACTING PERFORMANCE] beat out [SLIGHTLY LESS SHITTY STUNT ACTING PERFORMANCE] this year. What an upset! And the Academy has their heads up their collective tucki if they can't recognize the brilliance of [SOME USELESS ASSHOLE ACTOR].
What a long show, huh? At least [HOST] was kind of funny, although I think the jokes about [SOME FAMOUS TRAINWRECK THAT IS PROBABLY NAMED BRITNEY] were a little too soon. It's good to know that [ARROGANT ACTOR WITH CLEARLY NO SENSE OF HUMOR ABOUT HIMSELF] seems to have a sense of humor about himself.
And how about that pre-show? That [RYAN SEACREST] sure is a homo, huh?
5 Comments:
I gonna bust a cap in yo white ass, bitch.
I gonna bust a cap in yo white ass, bitch.
Man - you Seacrest fans are loyal.
Stuff White People Like #252
Talking about how boring celebrities are in real life.
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#254: Catchy-as-hell, polished power pop with driving guitars and sweet harmonies
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