3.31.08
Last Friday, it was time for more adventures in dentistry. This time, it was just a routine cleaning, so there was to be no pulling or gouging... or so I thought.
This seemingly nice young hygienist pulls out this seemingly harmless little device.
"What's that?" I ask innocently.
"It's the Cavitron," she responds.
"Can we rename it the Cavitron 5000?" I ask, trying to be cute. "It just sounds cooler."
But I don't think she heard me, as she was already elbow-deep in tender gum tissue. The Cavitron 5000 is, in a word, no fucking joke. Scraping, gouging - I felt like I was in a David Cronenberg movie.
"Your gums are really active," she commented.
"Well, they try to work out," I mumbled through a mouth full of suction equipment.
"They bleed so easily. I've never seen anything like it."
At this point, I had the rare opportunity to quote some 90's comedian (Bill Braudis, I believe) from a Dr. Katz episode:
"They weren't bleeding when I came in here. I'm pretty sure you're doing that."
Getting my snappy one-liners in was almost worth all the soft tissue irritation, except it wasn't at all. Not even a little.
4.1.08
Happy April Fool's Day, jokesters. Here are a few of my rejected ideas for this year's prank:
- Tell you all that Keith had AIDS and then say "April Fools! Ha ha ha!" and then actually infect Keith with my HIV-covered needle weiner. (Only my weiner has HIV. The rest of me is fine.)
- Break into Ben Vereen's house and take a giant dump in the Zoobilee Zoo "Mayor Ben" outfit.
- Take a bunch of painkillers and punch myself in the nose until I look like Sarah Jessica Parker. Then, attend the Sex and the City movie premiere wearing some super-sexy Jimmy Choo's and Matthew Broderick's scalp as a pubic-hair toupee. (Note: this prank would involve some prep work, namely tracking down and scalping Matthew Broderick).
You'll admit - all hilarious ideas. But instead, I decided to do this. Which is nothing. Happy April Fool's!
PS - When I was looking up Ben Vereen's Zoobilee Zoo character on the Internet Movie Database (this blog is painstakingly researched, as you can probably tell), one of the plot keywords was "Animal That Acts Human." That struck me as hilarious for some reason. Okay, carry on.
4.2.08
Everyone recovered from those great April Fool's pranks? Personally, I have to spend $5000 to get the tattoo of my drummer's face removed from my inner thigh. Lesson learned: never accept a bloody Mary from Mike. There’s probably rohypnol in it. And too much pepper.
Good news - I won the last place booby prize in my office NCAA tournament pool, meaning I get my $5 ante back. Thank you. Thank you very much. It was just a formality - I actually had last place locked up midway through the second round. I actually found something at which I am worse than fantasy sports.
I had a rare day off this weekend and caught a few episodes of my new favorite TV show: Top Gear on BBC America. Tremendously fun show. Do yourself a favor and check it out.
In one of the episodes I saw, the guys were flown to Botswana and given 1500 pounds (or "quid" to you Anglophiles) to buy non four-wheel drive used cars. Then, they drove the 3000 miles across the desert to see which car would survive in the best shape.
Okay, it's a lot more fun and exciting than it sounds. Top Gear is my official Brendomendation for the week.
4.3.08
For those of you that aren't just voyeurs and actually have MySpace accounts, you can go to "My Subscriptions" and have your little homepage thingy notify you every time I post on the old postspace thingy. Ain't technology a B?
Speaking of voyeurism and other things naughty, I was thinking the other day about the least sexy word in the English language. And yes, this is the sort of thing I spend my time thinking about instead of being productive at any one of my several jobs (By my last count, I'm a longshoreman, particle physicist, and international cad).
I thought long and I thought hard and I came up with the least sexy word in the language:
Burlesque.
Ironic, no? Because burlesque is obviously supposed to be sexy. But may I just say one thing? Ew. When I even hear the word "burlesque," my man parts retreat back into my body, making them resemble lady parts.
I know, I know - it's not about me. It's all about gender politics and female empowerment and taking back your sexuality and really what lesbians find attractive. I'm not self-centered enough to think the entire spectrum of human sexuality revolves around what winks at my winky.
But still - that shit is gross. And it must be STOPPED.
The gauntlet has been thrown. And be careful "roller derby." You're on notice.
4.4.08
Let's get into the way back machine, shall we? I present to you my lead guitarist and drummer... in the 80's.
As Nate pointed out - Mike still dresses, stands, and holds a drink exactly like that. It's genuinely eerie.
Speaking of getting old and decrepit, happy birthday to the Brendan Boogie Band's sister-in-law Alena Michel. You're still looking hot as the day we had that torrid affair behind Keith's back all those years ago, baby doll.
Last Friday, it was time for more adventures in dentistry. This time, it was just a routine cleaning, so there was to be no pulling or gouging... or so I thought.
This seemingly nice young hygienist pulls out this seemingly harmless little device.
"What's that?" I ask innocently.
"It's the Cavitron," she responds.
"Can we rename it the Cavitron 5000?" I ask, trying to be cute. "It just sounds cooler."
But I don't think she heard me, as she was already elbow-deep in tender gum tissue. The Cavitron 5000 is, in a word, no fucking joke. Scraping, gouging - I felt like I was in a David Cronenberg movie.
"Your gums are really active," she commented.
"Well, they try to work out," I mumbled through a mouth full of suction equipment.
"They bleed so easily. I've never seen anything like it."
At this point, I had the rare opportunity to quote some 90's comedian (Bill Braudis, I believe) from a Dr. Katz episode:
"They weren't bleeding when I came in here. I'm pretty sure you're doing that."
Getting my snappy one-liners in was almost worth all the soft tissue irritation, except it wasn't at all. Not even a little.
4.1.08
Happy April Fool's Day, jokesters. Here are a few of my rejected ideas for this year's prank:
- Tell you all that Keith had AIDS and then say "April Fools! Ha ha ha!" and then actually infect Keith with my HIV-covered needle weiner. (Only my weiner has HIV. The rest of me is fine.)
- Break into Ben Vereen's house and take a giant dump in the Zoobilee Zoo "Mayor Ben" outfit.
- Take a bunch of painkillers and punch myself in the nose until I look like Sarah Jessica Parker. Then, attend the Sex and the City movie premiere wearing some super-sexy Jimmy Choo's and Matthew Broderick's scalp as a pubic-hair toupee. (Note: this prank would involve some prep work, namely tracking down and scalping Matthew Broderick).
You'll admit - all hilarious ideas. But instead, I decided to do this. Which is nothing. Happy April Fool's!
PS - When I was looking up Ben Vereen's Zoobilee Zoo character on the Internet Movie Database (this blog is painstakingly researched, as you can probably tell), one of the plot keywords was "Animal That Acts Human." That struck me as hilarious for some reason. Okay, carry on.
4.2.08
Everyone recovered from those great April Fool's pranks? Personally, I have to spend $5000 to get the tattoo of my drummer's face removed from my inner thigh. Lesson learned: never accept a bloody Mary from Mike. There’s probably rohypnol in it. And too much pepper.
Good news - I won the last place booby prize in my office NCAA tournament pool, meaning I get my $5 ante back. Thank you. Thank you very much. It was just a formality - I actually had last place locked up midway through the second round. I actually found something at which I am worse than fantasy sports.
I had a rare day off this weekend and caught a few episodes of my new favorite TV show: Top Gear on BBC America. Tremendously fun show. Do yourself a favor and check it out.
In one of the episodes I saw, the guys were flown to Botswana and given 1500 pounds (or "quid" to you Anglophiles) to buy non four-wheel drive used cars. Then, they drove the 3000 miles across the desert to see which car would survive in the best shape.
Okay, it's a lot more fun and exciting than it sounds. Top Gear is my official Brendomendation for the week.
4.3.08
For those of you that aren't just voyeurs and actually have MySpace accounts, you can go to "My Subscriptions" and have your little homepage thingy notify you every time I post on the old postspace thingy. Ain't technology a B?
Speaking of voyeurism and other things naughty, I was thinking the other day about the least sexy word in the English language. And yes, this is the sort of thing I spend my time thinking about instead of being productive at any one of my several jobs (By my last count, I'm a longshoreman, particle physicist, and international cad).
I thought long and I thought hard and I came up with the least sexy word in the language:
Burlesque.
Ironic, no? Because burlesque is obviously supposed to be sexy. But may I just say one thing? Ew. When I even hear the word "burlesque," my man parts retreat back into my body, making them resemble lady parts.
I know, I know - it's not about me. It's all about gender politics and female empowerment and taking back your sexuality and really what lesbians find attractive. I'm not self-centered enough to think the entire spectrum of human sexuality revolves around what winks at my winky.
But still - that shit is gross. And it must be STOPPED.
The gauntlet has been thrown. And be careful "roller derby." You're on notice.
4.4.08
Let's get into the way back machine, shall we? I present to you my lead guitarist and drummer... in the 80's.
As Nate pointed out - Mike still dresses, stands, and holds a drink exactly like that. It's genuinely eerie.
Speaking of getting old and decrepit, happy birthday to the Brendan Boogie Band's sister-in-law Alena Michel. You're still looking hot as the day we had that torrid affair behind Keith's back all those years ago, baby doll.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home