Fear not, true believers. Brendan Boogie is posting over at the new MySpace page. Check it out.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
The obnoxious Scamper media blitz officially continues with write-ups in the Boston Herald and Weekly Dig. The fact that I sound remotely sane in either of these interviews is a credit to the excellent writing of Michael and David. Because when I was talking with them, I wasn't making no sense at alls.
Here in the hallowed halls of the Scampernet, Nate continues his tributes to his bandmates over in The Scene. This time, he's making up lies, trying to say nice things about some egomaniacal jerk.
Last night, Scamper had our penultimate rehearsal for the final show, complete with documentary camera crew following our every move. I can't tell if I'm getting emotional or if that rhino flu has finally settled itself in the back of my throat. Either way, this Saturday night is going to be a night none of you will soon forget.
If you haven't purchased your tickets yet, be sure to stop by the Middle East or find us on Ticketmaster. Many of you have been asking "Will this sell out? Do I need tickets in advance? How is Meet the Spartans the number one movie in America?"
The truth is, I don't know the answer to any of those questions. One thing I do know - as is tradition, the Scamper cell phones are being shut off around 8pm on the night of the show. Your last minute pleas for us to pull strings and get you in the door of the Middle East will fall on deaf ears. You have been duly warned.
Be sure to check out The Scene all this week for Nate's retrospective on his band mates. It's getting pretty emotional around these parts, but try to be strong. For the children.
As for me, I'm not quite ready to match Nate's sincerity quite yet. Still, it is feeling an awful lot like senior year around here, so I thought I'd award a few Scamper Superlatives:
Most Likely to Have a Secret Life as a CIA Assassin: Keith Michel
Think about it - the intense privacy, the hidden jacked physique, the hot Russian wife. It just makes sense.
Most Infectious Laugh and He Has The Clap Which Is Also Infectious: Mike Mirabella
Sorry, ladies. Especially the Revere High School field hockey team.
Best Body Weight/Facial Hair Ratio: Nate Rogers
Nate just got back from the lab and it turns out that his body mass is composed of 74% sideburn. Even his spleen has a goatee. He's a bearded miracle of nature, that boy.
Best Scamper Member of All Time:Brendan Boogie
Wow! I'm as shocked as you are on this one, kids. I don't know what to say. In the words of former Philadelphia Eagle and 2004 Super Bowl loser Freddie Mitchell - 'I'd like to thank my hands for being so great.'"
Biggest Chump in Scamper History: Marc Roderick/Doug the Penguin (tie)
Oooh... I was sure you were going to finally beat the plastic penguin out this year, buddy. Better luck next time.
Most Important Event in the History of the Universe: Scamper's Last Waltz. February 2 at the Middle East Downstairs with Baker, Harris, and Aloud.
Rumor has it someone's going to pour pig's blood on my head during my crowning ceremony. Things could get ugly. Don't miss it.
If you're tired of my shameless shilling for the show (or for that matter my always adroit alliterations), please stop by The Scene where Nate will be characteristically wearing his heart on his sleeve and reflecting on his many years playing with his partner Keith. Bring a tissue, kids. It's about to get a little dusty in here.
As for me, I was born without an emotion chip like Data, so I'll continue to push forward with the whoring. While Nate views Scamper's Last Waltz as the emotion-charged culmination of a decade plus-long journey, I just want your ten bucks. So get your tickets early, kids. You don't want to be shut out of this shit.
An actual email sent to my fellow bandmates this weekend:
"Hey guys -
I just did an interview with the Dig. It was a bad connection and I couldn't really understand his questions, so I just started saying stuff. It could be bad news.
I'm pretty sure I said the band was ending because Keith found more money in making German scat porn. So... sorry."
Speaking of interviews, I would like to formally apologize for our behavior on WFNX New England Product last evening. DJ Dave Duncan was kind enough to invite us on the show to promote the final show at the Middle East (it's only 5 days away, people!) and how did we reward him? With a bunch of drunken giggling, inexplicable trash-talking, and way-too-easy gay sex jokes. We're better than that, friends.
I have no explanation for my own behavior other than being mesmerized by Dave's haunting blank stare. If you ever have the opportunity to be on his show, be prepared. The boy gives you enough rope with which to hang yourself.
Mainly, I think the wheels came off the bus because Keith wasn't there. He's always been our grounding influence, pulling us back from the ridiculous cliffs of awkward comedy from which we three idiots like to plummet. Unfortunately, Keith couldn't make the interview because he was home with "not giving a shit about Scamper anymore-like" symptoms
Thanks so much to WFNX for letting us kick off the media blitz to promote the February 2 show. Keep an eye out in your local print publications for more ridiculousness. Five days away, friends. Five days away.
It's getting late awful early around here. Scamper's Last Waltz at the Middle East Downstairs is a mere 8 days away. It's all starting to feel a little real now, as each one of us picks our own particular way to freak the fuck out.
To avoid the grieving process, Keith is doing what he always does in stressful situations: burying himself in his poetic analyses of Guatemalan erotic literature. He's become such a townie.
Nate and Mike have been alternating between passive aggressive Tex Mex cooking classes and irresponsible wagers on cockfighting contests. We human animals are so cliche, aren't we?
As for me, I've been trying to rechannel my energy in a positive way - punching homeless people in the junk. Don't worry - I'm only punching the female homeless. I'm no homo.
If you want to hear the barely perceptible quiver in our manly voices, be sure to check us out on WFNX 101.7 (92.1 in New Hampshire, Hogg) on New England Product this Sunday at 10pm with the wicked retahded Dave Duncan.
The Scamper's Last Waltz media blitz continues. Well, it's more of a deep prevent defense than a full-out blitz. We just don't have the manpower to be getting all "blitzy" on you.
ANYway, this Sunday night at 10pm we will be the very special guests of the very sexy Dave Duncan on WFNX New England Product. It's 101.7 in the Boston area and streaming online for those of you out of the sound of my horrific shout. Last time we were on the show, Mike's mom got mad at me for monopolizing the airtime by focusing too much on jokes about robots, time travel, and fires burning down buildings. I have since learned that fires are no laughing matter. It was a valuable lesson for me. Stay tuned this Sunday.
Speaking of no laughing matter, I took a little bit of flak for making a flip remark about the premature death of Heath Ledger yesterday. In all fairness to me, I had no idea that I was referring to The Greatest Actor of Our Generation.
Do yourself a favor and for the love of God, click on that link. My man Pedro gave it to me as a late batmitzvah gift and now I pass it along to you. Drink it in and then come on back to me...
You back? Good. Does anyone else think this isn't a real person? The similarities in tone and writing style to the Onion's Jean Teasdale are just too eerie. Pedro and I have been trying extraordinarily hard to resist posting comments on the article. So far, we've come up with:
- "Didn't I see you working at the Fashion Bug?"
- "This column is a slap in the face of the legacy of Brad Renfro."
- (and my personal favorite) "Click to enlarge."
We're not mean men. But my God, I don't know how much longer we can resist. Help us. We're only flesh and blood.
My good people - we are only nine days away from Scamper's Last Waltz. Can you believe it? Right around the time the Patriots are cruising to yet another Super Bowl victory, Scamper will have officially gone all "Heath Ledger" on you (what? Too soon?).
The official obnoxious push toward the show begins.... now. Be sure to get your tickets either at the Middle East venue itself or by ordering on Ticketmaster and paying WAY too much money for a service charge. Unlike Pearl Jam, we will not be taking any moral stands against the the ticket giant. We figure as majority owners of an Indonesian sweatshop that uses 8-year olds to manufacture high quality colostomy bags at low low prices, who are we to judge?
Now is the time to reminisce. Anyone got any particularly poignant Scamper memories they feel like sharing? Don't be afraid to cry. Tears take the sad out of you.
I'm going to skip the pleasantries and jump right into this story here. Because I've got a few thoughts.
Thought #1: Those fucking Chargers are meanies. How dare they hurt my Tommer?
Thought #2: Which option do you think will draw more attention from gawkers and paparazzi - a 6 foot 2 male model-looking quarterback loping around town or a 6 foot 2 male model-looking quarterback loping around town with a suspicious hoodie and sunglasses on?
Seriously, that is the most conspicuous-looking "disguise" in history. He might as well be tooling about Manhattan sporting that "I'm #1" cap from that Saturday Night Live fake commercial with Will Ferrell. Of course in Brady's case, he wouldn't be wearing it ironically. He has as good a case as anyone on the planet of actually being "#1."
Thought #3: You're Tom Brady. You're poised to win your fourth Super Bowl after going undefeated and breaking the touchdown record. Plus, you're the most handsome guy in the universe. After all those accomplishments, you STILL have to bring your girlfriend flowers? Shouldn't just showing up and being Tom Brady be enough?
Thanks so much to all you good people who braved the Wednesday night doldrums to come hang out with us for the show at Hennessy's last night. You never know how these late weeknight shows are going to go, but you guys brought the noise and (to a lesser extent) the funk. Got to see a few old friends and make some new ones.
As for us, we had a great time playing. The songs were a little more familiar this time around, so the band members were able to relax and enjoy the majesty that is my songwriting. There was one little incident during which I had to confiscate Dave's sunglasses and forcibly order Jordan to be less handsome, as they were both distracting people's attention from me. Our internal strife aside, we felt pretty good about the show.
This morning, however, I am completely wiped out. I'm getting too old for this shit. Luckily, Scamper's Last Waltz is on a Saturday night (February 2), so we'll all get to sleep in together the next morning on a giant feather bed.
Tonight's the big Hennessy's premiere of the latest Hollywood smash hit Brendan Boogie Band Show Numero Dos: On the Move. Writer's strike my balls!
It's a perfect opportunity to kick those snow shoes against the curb, get out of the house for the first time in a week, and enjoy a rare Wednesday night of rock and roll and fun. We might even sound slightly better than the last show. And that's a half-baked promise.
With nose a-runnin' and back muscles a-screamin', I have officially returned from my snow day. No dense orbs of ice were hucked at my noggin, so I'll call the day a resounding success. But now, it's bidness time.
Now, those long time fans may remember horror stories from our last experience at the Sound Museum. Granted, the room was a little cramped and scary at times, but that was mostly because we were sharing space with those illiterate scumbags Harris. Don't let the informercials fool you - no matter how hard you scrub, you can never really get the stink of wet Nastri out of your rugs.
This time, it's an entirely different story. We were given our very own room with a fresh paint job and the whole deal. This is the rock star treatment to which we have become accustomed. And nly one of the electrical outlets shot sparks out at us! It's a veritable palace of rock!
Come on by Hennessy's tomorrow night to hear the results of our new digs. Fooled By April's Jordan Siegel will be sitting in on keys, trying to keep things butch. See you there, chickens.
Yaaay snow days! I'm going back to bed. I'm going to snow day it up like it's 1986. Snow fort, GI Joe, completely hairless testicles - the whole McGilluh.
Before I go, I forgot to mention that Friday's NFL playoff picks actually took place on "75% Opposite Day." It's a rare occurence that only happens every third January on Friday when the moon is half in the bag and Peyton Manning sucks.
Okay, I'll be back tomorrow with harrowing tales of new rehearsal spaces, unsuccessfully avoiding snow shoveling, and more shameless pimping for the Brendan Boogie Band show at Hennessy's with the Rationales. It's this coming Wednesday night, my cute little polar bear cubs!
Quick NFL predictions for the playoffs this weekend:
New England over Jacksonville by two touchdowns. Seattle over Green Bay by a field goal. Indianapolis over San Diego by a touchdown. Dallas over New York in a blowout. Vicodin over Brendan in an absolute rout.
Next week, I'll have news about the Brendan Boogie Band's move into our new rehearsal space, plus another Scamper training update. Also, I'll only have two more days to pimp the Hennessy's show on Wednesday January 16 with the Rationales. So expect me to do so.
Another day, another tooth removed from my head. If there are any kids out there reading this, let me give you two pieces of advice:
1. Reading is for nerds.
2. Don't neglect your teeth. It WILL come back to haunt you.
Let me point something out - it's not like I poured battery acid down my gullet for twenty years or anything. In my mind, I was taking at least decent care of my teeth. I consistently brush three times a day and floss every night. My big sin was neglecting dental visits, mostly because I read the book The Marathon Man (and its lesser known 80's sequel The Marathon Man 2: Still Toothy!) too many times.
So go to the dentist, kids! And forget about those books! You don't want the cool kids breaking your glasses and stuffing you into their jock straps during the pep rally or the sock hop, do you? (Answer: no. No you don't.)
Hopefully, the giant fleshy holes in my head (note: good name for Nate's new band) will be sufficiently healed by Wednesday night at Hennessy's in Fanyule Hall for the Brendan Boogie Band show with The Rationales. At the very least, you could hear me warbling through a boozy mix of befuddlement and Vicodin. That's entertainment!
This weekend, the four members of Scamper were together in the same room (in a non-toddler related capacity) for the first time since our show at Tufts in late August. It seems crazy, but Scamper has not played music together for over four months.
We plugged in our instruments (i.e. made the messy manlove) and then got dressed, cleaned off the motor oil, and started rehearsal. I was a little skeptical of our assumed rustiness and braced myself for the screeching cat sounds that would likely come out of Keith's amplifier. I winced as Mike clicked us in for the first few power chords of "Stunner"...
And we played it perfectly. Not a flubbed note or mistimed beat.
Ah well, re-beginner's luck, right? We launched into "Sophie," expecting the wheels to inevitably come off the bus...
A well-oiled rock machine. Probably the best we've ever sounded in a practice space.
Song after song after song was just spot-on. There were no painful "oops I missed a measure and now I hate myself for the next 15 minutes" Mike faces or sheepish "what's that chord again and I'm a bad wittle boy" Nate faces. Keith didn't get confused in the middle of a solo and wander out of the room into traffic the way he usually does. We played almost every song just right.
This cannot be a good sign. I hope in the weeks to come before the big finale show on February 2 at the Middle East Downstairs, we have a little musical turbulence to keep us sharp. At the very least, I hope Keith comes to the next rehearsal sporting a grey hoodie and a scowl full of humble pie.
Not into note-perfect power pop or fascist "sound good"istas? Come on by Hennessy's in Fanyooowl Hahl on Wednesday January 16 for Brendan Boogie Band's second show. That's a week from today, friends. It'll be a tasty appetizer for the Scamptastic main course.
Great news all - The Beard will soon be gone. Please join us in welcoming Graham Spencer Welsh to the world. Even from the womb, little Graham was understandably ashamed of his father's grotesque facial hair. Setting the pattern that will likely last the next 18+ years, he decided to rescue his pop from further humiliation by entering the world a few months early.
Last night, I visited the hospital in which Graham is going to be chillin' for the next few months. I learned two things:
1) Say what you will, young nurses are still hot. It's a controversial stance, I know. I'm such a shock jock.
2) New mothers don't think it's all that hilarious when you look at their newborn and crack wise with "Eh - I've seen cuter" and "The miracle of not pulling out." Despite the tears and bodily threats, I stand behind my comedic choices.
Seriously - the new mommy, daddy, and baby are doing great. Graham is hovering around the four pound mark which is apparently pretty big for a premie, but most of that is beard. (Oh, he was born with a full ZZ Top beard. Did I mention that?) Oh, I also had the honor of officially dubbing him with his first nickname: Grahambone.
Congrats to the new family. I look forward to being a corrupting influence on young Grahambone for years to come.
As life begins, so does life end. Tomorrow, I'll tell you all about our first Scamper rehearsal in over four months.
I've had a week to ruminate and marinate, it's time for the 2008 New Year's Brendolutions:
- Try to decide to which of the new American Gladiators I'm the most attracted. Based on the early polling numbers in my pants, it looks to be shaping into a three-way race amongst Crush, Siren, and Toa.
- Finally get all the dental work which I've been neglecting for a good decade and a half. I've got one more tooth pulled this week, then five more fillings and I'm done. Then, I go back to ignoring my gaping maw once again! And the best part is - everything will be fine from here on in. Regular dental maintenance won't be necessary. My teeth will be bulletproof and I'll never get my come uppance! Never! Muah ah ah ah ah!
- Get impregnated by Tom Brady. Sure, it seems impossible... at first. But so did 16 and 0. Something tells me that Tommer's superhuman sperm is powerful enough to break the laws of nature. If there's going to be a biological problem in the whole thing, it's probably going to be my shameful lack of a uterus. Get on it, science.
- Gain 70 lbs. In the last few years, I went down the scale and I'm not going to lie to you - it was fucking hard. In 2008, I learned from my mistakes - I'm going to go the other way with it. I have a feeling that gaining massive amounts of weight will be a whole hell of a lot easier than losing it. Here I come, 285!
- Open up the year with a bang at Hennessy's in Fanooooool Hall with the Brendan Boogie Band on Wednesday January 16 at 8pm. This show will feature the uber-sexy Jordan Siegel from Fooled By April on keys. Fa figgidy fa!
- Order a round of banana martinis and wrap up this failed little "Scamper" experiment. Really, by the cold light of reason, the whole thing was simply a collosal disaster. Too many lives were lost needlessly. No more blood for Scamper! You should all join in celebrating the death knell on February 2 at the Middle East Downstairs. Now, many people have been asking me whether they should get tickets in advance, but unfortunately for you, my next New Year's Brendolution is to...
- Stop answering your retard questions. How do I know whether you should buy tickets in advance or not? Do you see a crystal ball up my ass or something? Am I screaming "Mindfreak!" at you over and over again? I swear to God, you people would rip your own dicks off if I weren't there to tie them back on with my special dick yarn. Christ, I hate you mouth-gasping fuckholes so fucking much.
- Be nicer to the fans. You people are the low fat raspberry spread to my butter. And I mean that, loveys.
- Make '08 all about Nate. Let's all figure out a way to make 2KN all about our man Diggity, huh? We should all be starting our day by rolling off our greasy pillows and thinking "What can I do for Nate today? Does he need a few bucks? Maybe a consequence free handjob? I know - let me go get my dick yarn." You'll be glad you did.
This is going to be a great year! Anyone else have any resolutions?
It's only the first week of the year and I'm already falling apart. I'm having more adventures in dentisty and some inexplicable sharp lower back pain. I should have known 2KN wasn't going to be my year.
So I'm going to go ahead and chalk the week up to blogging failure and conserve my energy for Monday's post when I will bring you my official 2008 New Year's Brendolutions. Have a nice weekend, popcicles.
Back to life, back to reality. However do you want me? However do you need me?
I know you missed me, but here's a few last minute lessons I learned in the closing days of 2007:
- Joe's beard = horrific. I mean, you can see the photos, but it's an entirely different experience in person. I pray that you will never have the misfortune of witnessing him eat. Good heavens. This man is really suffering for his charity.
- Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story is REALLY funny. Don't be turned away by the lackluster commercials featuring a monkey. John C. Reilly hits this one out of the park. One of the craziest, funniest performances I've ever seen in a movie. A full-fledged brendomendation.
- New Year's Eve is surprisingly fun when you employ strict "light to moderate drinking" and "no shenanigans" policies. It turns out you don't need to be drunk and humping lampposts to have a good time. Who knew? No shenanigans in '08!
- Tom Brady has officially moved beyond the "man crush" category into something much more bizarre and psychosexual. I want to do some weird and disturbing bedroom roleplaying with that man. That's how much I love him.
- The perfect time to start pimping a last show is exactly one month out. And... what do you know? Scamper's Last Waltz is one month from today - February 2 at the Middle East Downstairs. Be prepared for the onslaught of emails, MySpace bulletins, and telemarketing calls. Our goal is to annoy you into attendance. We're going to make you so happy that we're breaking up.
- Apparently, 2008 is actually two thousand Nate. This is even better than the time Will Smith renamed the year 2000 the "Willenium."